Author Topic: Promises, Obligations and Consequences (Read 132976 times)

teddi · « **Reply #28 on:** March 23, 2008, 05:40:32 AM »

"Ohhh sure - he says that he can give me h..hormone shots, wh..which c..could h..help. Lower m..my voice and, ah, g..grow m..mmm..more hair. But, he, he, "couldn't guarantee anything!!?" And that goes with the way Mom cries whenver she comes out of his office...he tells her the results and she cries cause... they're....they're....so much horse shit!

"Yea, that's really a good one, goes with what I, I, told Christina I, I, w..was afraid of. That, that I would never really grow up and b..bb...become a man! But, I could still "look like a woman and talk - but talk - like a man!" WHY DONT I JUST CHANGE MY NAME TO LOLA.....L...O...L.....A, LOLA??!!!!!!!

I cried even harder - my sobbing cut my "confession" off for a moment. I remembered what Christina had said just a few minutes ago: I "pulled myself together." What a joke that is!

The washboard of tears that ran down my face, kinda mixed with the snot bubbles I was blowing. I was gonna wipe everything off with with the robe sleeve I was wearing, but Christina stopped my hand from wiping just before I got to my face. "No...take these" she said, and led my hand to several napkins. I tried to wipe myself dry as best I could...hell...I didn't even try to open my eyes...too - too ashamed to even try. I took several deep breaths then muttered "k."

I started again. "I knew, and I know, that when I looked or look around.... the way..... the way that things were..are.....sup..supposed to be. That.... that... there were girls and boys.....and..... when you grew.... up....when. .....you'd grown up......you'd find someone.... to l..love you - and you'd ......l..love back. I, I, dont.....know.... am I gonna be.... alone.... alone the...... rest of my life? Never having anyone to hold or love me? Am I gonna have to choose....choose....to stay the way I am or d...dd....do I, I......hafta ......

teddi · « **Reply #29 on:** March 23, 2008, 02:42:06 PM »

I cut myself short. "I never wanted to...to be around, all them dumb g..girls!......cause...m-maybe I, ah, would, ah g..get to like them too much. That, that, ah, m ..maybe they'ed rub off on me and ---Ohh crap---that maybe... I...I would like them too m..much.

"So, if, I, wasn't much of a boy and looked too much like a girl, that I'd might hafta, hafta...oh shit!.......," my voice now was almost gone; "be one. I didn't want to, but I might have to." I broke a forced smile and murmered: "Kobiashe Maru." I thought to myself: no win - either way.... and no way to rig the outcome.

I continued, speaking so low you'd have to strain to hear what I was saying."How, could I tell either of you what I was dreaming! You'd never believe me. You'd say that it was either "nothing to worry about" or spank me for "making up stories" like you always did. You know, little kids really do see monsters in the night, we see lotsa things. And, you adults just blow the dreams off, while we sit and cry....we really do see monsters, or angels or whatever else at night; cause were alone, with nothing else to distract us...no noise....just really, really dark and quiet.

"Honestly, I told Christina lotsa times about, so, so many things that would scare me on top of the dreams that always came back, night after night to never leave me alone. I was haunted!

"That's part of the reason or how I chanced upon Christina and her, our, angel. Christina had told me that she had a really scary dream and was really afraid.....I figured I could help her not have it....so I....played my Tick Tock game.

"If, if I told you about that, you'd have been angry at me and wouldn't have believed me, so what I could do?

"I wasn't afraid to do it either. Be - because there were many times when I would sit up in my own bed, look behind me, and find myself, sound asleep. I knew I was o.k. cause it all felt ....well right...it was me and I knew that I was o.k.

"It was a giggle. I could get out of bed walk around, check on Christina - to make sure she was o.k., then hop back in bed without a problem. I'll admit, - I felt like I was always holding my breath - in a crazy dream where I was an active player - sorta like my video games.

teddi · « **Reply #30 on:** March 24, 2008, 09:55:50 AM »

"Besides, I knew that if I was playing, then my bad dreams wouldn't get me.

"B..but, I....I.....never thought..... any...ah..thing a..bout g..get-ing back -into into me again: after I... had.... had helped.. m....m.....my s..s...sister. Th-there was n..never a, ah, prob...lem... be...before ..with me. S..so I, I figured that.....well, actually I was.... really.... ever so... so: wrong.

"I... .... I knew that, that Christina was so up-set that....that morning - cause she....she was crying.

"All through that day, whenever she looked at m..me - she would cry. I, I didn't understand wh..why she was crying and.....wh...whatsmore....why I couldn't read her.

"That was never a...problem b...be...fore.

"Her dreams must've been really, really bad. Even worser than mine!

"That nn...night - just before I went to b...bed - is when I really - decided to play Tick-Tock. I'd just g..go back and t..tell her.....t...t...tell her....." I moved my head from side to side, " I, d...don't really know wh..what I, ah, was gonna d...do , or even say. M..maybe, maybe, that she'd be o.k. and not to c..cry - well at least not too much, you know?

"I went to sleep saying my sleepytime song, or poem, or whatever you want to call it. B...but there were more w..words to it than Christina told both of you. But... I, can't... well I p..pr..promised I wouldn't use those exact words again.

I stopped my "desert-ta-tion" and took several deep breaths: and each was followed by me exhaling each with a big "fhuuu."I really tried to get my head settled.

I was about to go back and tell of my deal or promise that I made and about "Her."

While I was still crying, I kinda cracked a smile and like a little kid sing songed in my mind: I know things that you don"t know!....I know things that you don't know!

teddi · « **Reply #31 on:** March 24, 2008, 03:14:04 PM »

I was gonna try and be ever so serious. I only hoped that I wouldn't stutter too much. Damn that really got to me! Especially when I...did it in f..front of other k..kids. Their tt...teasing m..me was p..pretty, ah, well....b..brutal.

Anyhow, I managed to push my singsong aside and took a few controlled breaths to once again, slowly try to express myself. It was time to really just get it all over with. And if they didn't believe me or Christina...well...... I figured that they'd more readily accept a pound of horse manure than what either Christina or I had told or was gonna tell 'em.

I began, "Mom/Dad....Christina told you some of what went on that night....what I saw....how scared I was...and ....what she saw. But, but that's not all....Christina....stopped me short - of telling you and her - the rest." I whispered, "there's more ...alot more. I continued: "I really am gonna try not to cry alot, but...I...I ...don' think I can keep my eyes from leaking. And Mom, when I finish I'm gonna need to get changed again, so I won't even ask. K? I figured if she could ask rhetorical questions....why not me?

I'll start. "I remember......I remember.....that "She"....sat on my bed. Right beside me! That was after she told or motioned Christina back to her own room. My head was spining and my tummy didn't feel that good....I thought I was gonna hurl some major chunks! Sorry...maybe I should've said vomit?

"She was talking to me but I didn't want to hear her....I was really a..a...fraid.....and the closer I felt "Her" get near m..me...the more I tried to shy away....and....and....the "scared'er" I got. I could hear the "wow-wows" outside coming up to our house. I thought maybe they'ed been called and were gonna rescue me....but....no.....they passed the house by and left me all alone.

teddi · « **Reply #32 on:** March 24, 2008, 04:43:16 PM »

The "wow - wows" had come and gone and as they got farther and farther away from our house the clearer "Her" voice became.

I sure didn't want to hear anything she was saying and tried to scrunch my self up into a little ball and push further away from her. I know, tha...that at the same time I managed a high, whiney scream of terror.

As I cringed away from her and sobbed, I also heard, and...and..."felt" what she was telling me. "Take heart, my little one. Do not fear for yourself. You shall come to no harm." She said it alot a times. I shook my head and said "Noooo, I saw your eyes and the way y..you looked at m..me. I don't want to s...see you angry with m..me, especially with your eyes! And..and...and.... you took... my Christina away!"

I know that neither of us "talked to each other for awhile. That's when I felt her arm on my shoulder .... pulling me closer to her and to where "She" sat.

I tried to move away even further, but she held on to me....so firmly....yet....so...so...gently. She pulled me up close to her side and held firmly on to me....I cried harder...if that were possible....and again tried to get away from this, this thing that was telling me not to worry.

With her other hand, "She" began to stroke my hair...ever so gently; while at the same time whispering to me to "stop crying little one....stop crying."

Again, she repeated her request to me: over and over and over, until I did in fact stop crying. Well maybe not all together, but, I wasn't screaming or sobbing anymore.

It was at that time when she..... and to my surprise.....she.... lifted me up and sat me on her lap! Again, I tried to pull away. I didn't know what "She" was gonna do to me!

But even as I tried to pull away...."She" pulled me even closer - guiding my head down to rest upon "Her" chest. My crying increased once more and I knew that while I was really just so....so scared....that my crying would stain her gown.

I tried to pull my head away but "Her" left hand held me ever closer. She spoke to me again. "Do not concern yourself........my robe will not blemish with your lamentations." My thought was pretty clear..."Huh? What's tha...." She answered before I could finish my thought.

"It means, my little one, that your tears will not mark it." I quickly countered "well why didn't you sa..." She replied again before I could finish. "Indeed, you are both bold and brash, but, none-the -less priceless. Rest your head upon me, for we have much to do - and for you - there is so little time to return you...to where you should be."

Moments later "She" covered me with her robe, or gown, or part of it anyway. First with the left....then with the right..." It was the softest thing I'd ever felt. It was then that I felt safe... safe enough to bring my thumb to my mouth and, well, just make myself feel even better.

As "She " cradled me, the aroma of what smelled like perfume, sorta like oranges...I heard her voice correct me, saying "orange blossoms - though we know it as ambrosia." "It was ever so pleasing to smell.. and the scent seemed to come from her robe....and....and.....music....all kinds....all playing at the same time raced through my head. "Each song or melody was clear and not mixed with any of the others. I was spellbound at how wonderful this all was. I closed my eyes and sighed with contentment. I guess I fell asleep, cradled safetly in "Her" arms.... in the arms of, of.... an angel.

teddi · « **Reply #33 on:** March 25, 2008, 10:22:20 AM »

She woke me....by caressing my face and stroking my hair. She pulled me tighter to her chest and started to talk to me. "Yes..you have many questions....which in time will be answered. But, now...you must be as brave as you can be and return to your own bed. Stand before me and prepare yourself. For if you do not return...you will be lost forever."

As easily as she had sat me on "Her" lap...I was just as effortlessly placed on my feet.....Ohh, this was just great....naked in front of...."She" cut my thoughts off quickly..."There is no shame for you to stand before me as you were born into the world."

Lotsa things raced in my head. I didn't know what she was talking about...how could I lose me?.... and ...lost?....forever? As I stood naked before "Her" I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head from side to side....why didn't I want to...to get back into bed?.... why was I so afraid of me?....and.... why would I have trouble getting back into me and was that really me? I really didn't understand.

Now for the first time, instead of hearing "her" in my head, I heard "Her" with my ears. "All the questions you have are because of your game: which, you call...Tick-Tock. You, little one, have traveled from where you exist......to......where you once did exist. To face not only my sight, but also to see your loving counterpart in consultation and now of more concern....... to face yourself."

Now I really was confused. I guess you'd say bewildered....I started to think of how "She" went on...and on....talking about stuff ...that to me...well I, uh, didn't give a rat's butt about.

While "She" didn't laugh out loud at me, or what I was thinking, I felt or heard a chuckle....was "She" happy? "Yes, my precocious little one - you make me smile." I thought, "smile?"...not what I saw - made me pee in my jammies! Again, the light sound of soft laughter hit me.

Now in a merry voice she talked to me...."Come.... turn your head and look upon me... do not fear. Come now....turn to my voice.....you will not be frightened by my appearance. Trust me. I promise you."

I couldn't bring my self to look at "Her" I was very afraid of seeing "Her" flashing eyes. I saw her hand move across my face, and ever so gently come to rest on my left cheek. Slowly, ever so slowly, she turned my head to face "Her." "Come....Come ...little one...my brave wanderer."

I really couldn't stop from letting her turn my head...but I did close my eyes really hard and set my jaw....I wasn't gonna....I wasn't.....I....I....

teddi · « **Reply #34 on:** March 25, 2008, 03:11:29 PM »

Her hand moved back and forth on my cheek. So, so gentle a touch. I couldn't help myself and started to move my head....I guess... like a kitten or puppy dog would.... trying to get ever closer... to the satisfaction they were receiving.

At the same time, I knew I had to look...so I pulled in my cheeks, scrunched up my nose...and...and...ever so slowly allowed my eyes to become tiny slots: allowing just enough of a space to let me just barly see. She was....stuning! I held my breath ....and... opened my eyes wide while allowing my jaw to drop.

"Ohh....wow...wowee...oh geez,"was all I could think of or mutter." Her face, which scared me so much... now just radiated a light so pure it was almost hard to look at her. At the same time, the smell of "am-br-o-sia" was coming from her or her robe....even stronger. While I had stood in terror of "Her" a short time ago....I now felt myself drawing ever closer. The baby steps I took brought me face to face and closer than within arms reach.

Dare I? "Can ... can....I....t..touch y..." She nodded before I could finish what I was thinking. I lifted my right hand and placed my palm gently upon her face. My body began to tremble and shudder...not out of fear....but out of shear joy! I know I started to cry again....like a b..baby. But I didn't care. I just, just cried harder and extended my arms to her....I wanted to be held.....so badly....ever so badly...I asked ......."please?"

She accepted my request and took me to her. As she held me she spoke. "It is time, my brave wanderer, for you to return. Your own bed awaits you. If you stay longer, you, the precious one I now hold, will cease to exist - the past and present cannot supplement the other....one will die. Now, we must come to terms, a bargain or "deal" if you will.

You must promise me that you will never play your game, "to move the clock back. Your sister has been tasked and will speak to you when you awake. You will not remember this moment in time .....as it is for you and you alone to decide when you can remember. Your sister is the key to your knowledge....fail to heed her words and you shall forever be beset by your fears. Promise me also, that you will keep your promise: to me ...to yourself....and your sister. A deal?"

I cried my reply..."what... what... do you want....I mean.... yes.... I promise and it's a ....deal....but....but....what...do you get out of it?

Her reply was "YOU. You will not be lost to me or to the others who will need you."

I didn't understand.

A moment later "She" said that "you must leave now." I blurted a quick question to her...before I go.... can...can you tell me....." Again she knew my request before I spoke or thought it. With a broad smile "She" bent closer and whispered her name to me... "Now, my little one, my precious soul ....move the hands on the clock forward and return."

The next thing I remember was that I woke up in bed with wet sheets and Christina tapping me on the shoulder....she said...."we've gotta talk."