TEETHING TROUBLES by Sebtomato
ONE
William gets on well with Mary, his mother-in-law. Before he married Donna, during Tequila-fuelled giggles Donna had said that her mother was a witch, a real practising witch with spells, potions, the works. But the next morning Donna denied she'd even said such a thing, and in the eighteen months they've been married, William hasn't seen any broomsticks or cauldrons in Mary's small apartment, not so much as a black cat. So when William agrees to drive Mary home from her doctor's appointment, it's nothing out of the ordinary. And he's content to accept her offer of coffee before he heads back to the office. Mary's fun to talk to, and there's always the chance that she'll have baked some cookies, which William has never been able to resist.
William sits down in the large black armchair, putting his briefcase on the floor beside him.
'Busy morning?' Mary asks, calling through from the kitchen.
'Usual,' William replies. 'Monday's are always hard work. Nice to take a break.'
'How about a cappuccino?' Mary says. 'I have a special treat to go with it.'
'Great,' William says. He's relieved that Mary isn't upset from the conversation they had when driving back from the doctor's office. He had told her that instead of trying for a family with Donna now, they had decided to put things off for five years. It had been William's idea, fearful of having kids with so little money in the bank. Donna, a few years older than him, had put up a fight, claimed her biological clock was ticking, but she'd given in eventually. William had been hoping that Donna would be the one to tell Mary. But Mary had asked him straight out, almost as soon as she'd got into the car, when they would be trying for a baby, so William had to tell her the change of plan.
He thought that Mary would be upset at the news. She was already retired, and a widower, having had Donna when she was in her late thirties. And she'd often mentioned how much she was looking forward to being a grandmother. But there was no gasp of dismay, or uncomfortable silence. Instead, Mary just nodded, as if she'd been expecting this all along, and said, 'Ah well, I'll just have to keep taking my vitamins. After all, little babies need their granny, right?'
Mary enters the living room and puts a tray down on the coffee table. There are two cups and saucers, and one of the saucers has a couple of cookies on it.
William smiles. 'Ah, they look good.'
Mary nods. 'Now, these ones, you haven't tried before. In fact, they're rather special. They're called ossi dei morti, which is Italian for " bones of the dead"'.
William laughs softly. 'Not the most appetising name in the world, but I'm sure they're delicious.'
'Please,' Mary says, 'Try one.'
William takes one of the cookies and bites into it, and he's surprised at how hard it is.
'They're rather hard,' Mary says with a smile. 'That's how they're supposed to be.'
'Yeah,' William says. Then, to himself, 'Like a rock.'
Mary picks up her coffee cup and says, 'Good for dipping in a cappuccino. You should try it.'
William crunches the piece of cookie still in his mouth. 'Right,' he says, his voice muffled, 'When I'm through with this bit.'
Mary smiles. 'That's right,' she says, ' Eat it all up.' She waits as William chews and swallows the first piece of cookie, then she grins as he dunks the cookie into the coffee. 'All nice and soft now, right?' Mary says. 'Don't forget that second cookie.'
William nods, although even wet, the cookie is still rather hard. He has a final swallow, looks at the second cookie, sighs, then says, 'Sure, absolutely, they're great,' William says, and dunks it in the cappuccino.
Mary beams, then says, 'Oh, please don't think me rude but I just remembered, I have to make a 'phone call,' and she stands up. 'Now, where did I leave it? Ah yes, I'll be right back,' Mary says, then walks out of the living room.
William quickly picks up his briefcase and opens it, then drops the dripping cookie inside. It seems that Mary has finally managed to bake a cookie that William doesn't like.
When Mary returns with the cordless phone, she's still talking. She glances at William and giggles. 'Yes, it's going beautifully. I'll see you later.' She switches off the phone and puts it down on the table. 'Are you okay, William?'
William nods his head, but in actual fact he feels surprisingly sleepy. He doesn't normally feel tired in the morning, and the cappuccino should have woken him up if anything, but instead he's close to nodding off. Also, the coffee has started to taste strange. Or rather, it still tastes the same, but it's as if William's tastebuds have changed, and he has lost the pleasure he normally gets from it. Even more peculiar is the fact that the cup and saucer feel so large in his hands, as if they've mysteriously grown during the last couple of minutes.
Mary bends down and looks into William's coffee cup. 'Well, let's see now. Yes, that should be enough for you.' And with that, she takes the cup and saucer out of William's hands and puts it down on the table with the phone. 'Good to see you've made yourself at home, William.'
William looks up questioningly, and follows Mary's gaze to his feet. His shoes are on the floor. He didn't take them off earlier. He didn't have to, because they fell off by themselves. His feet are so much smaller than they were before, are no longer planted firmly on the ground but dangle over the edge of the seat, drowning in the legs of his trousers. And as William looks, he can see with dizzy confusion that they're getting even smaller, along with the rest of him, along with his pudgy hands and round stomach.
William feels as though he's swimming in his clothes. Everything is far too large for him. All that Mary has to do is undo the first couple of buttons on his shirt and she can lift him out of the cotton swamp that had fitted him so well just a few moments before.
Mary lies William on the carpet and takes some things out of a bag William hadn't noticed before. The first is white and its smell reminds William fleetingly of the talc-um powder Donna uses sometimes. Mary fastens something very thick around his waist, and William drowsily realises that he's wearing a fluffy cloth nappy.
'There now,' Mary says with satisfaction. 'It's been a while since I put a nappy on a baby, but I haven't lost my knack. And what a good boy you're being for Granny Mary!'
William shook his head weakly. 'But...I'm not...' He knows that he shouldn't be a baby, and he's dimly aware that the woman talking to him isn't his grandmother. But as she pulls plastic pants over his nappy and puts a white T-shirt over his head, William can't work out what has happened to him.
'You look a little confused,' Mary says, picking him up and holding him against her chest. 'Why don't you be a good boy and go to dreamland. When you wake up, I just know you'll feel all better again.'
Mary pops a yellow dummy into William's mouth, and he starts to suc-k on the teat without even thinking about it. Yes, Mary must be right, William thinks, everything will make sense again after he wakes up. And as the woman rubs his back and whispers to him, William falls fast asleep.
TWO
When William wakes up, he's lying on the living room rug. Still wearing his nappy, still a baby. But his head feels clearer now. Whatever was clouding his mind earlier has diminished, at least for the moment.
He sits up, feeling the bulk of the nappy between his legs. His head feels too big for his body, his arms and legs so short. He feels a dull throbbing in his mouth, along his gums. It's not acute, but it's constant. When he presses the area with his tongue, the ache lessens, and when he puts his fist in his mouth and bites down, there's more relief. It's only when he realises what he's doing, and how he must look - suc-king on his fist like a real infant - that he reluctantly takes the hand out of his mouth.
Mary isn't in the room. William listens, but doesn't hear any clues. It's a small apartment, so she can't be far away. Unless she's gone out, of course, but why would she do that? Surely she wouldn't just abandon him. William remembers how prepared Mary was for his regression to infancy; how unsurprised, how amused she'd been. She must be some kind of witch after all. And William had to get help, and fast.
The phone. A stroke of luck, as William remembers the cordless phone Mary had put on the living room table. He looks over and yes, there it is. Quickly, he scrambles to his feet, and just as quickly, he falls back onto his nappied bottom. It seems that walking isn't going to be an option. Accepting that he'll have to move baby-style for now, William crawls over to the table, reaches up and grabs the phone with both hands., It isn't as big as a conventional phone but it still seems comically large in his hands.
Noise, a 'thud' from somewhere in the flat, startles William, and he drops the phone onto the carpet. He's perfectly still, and next there's a flushing sound. Mary must be in the bathroom. Realising that time is so short, William hurriedly presses the numbers on the keypad, then presses the green call button, and clumsily holds the phone to his ear.
As the number rings out, once, twice, three times, William hears the sound of Mary washing her hands.
Then, when he is sure time has run out, the call is picked up.
'Hello?'
'Donna, it's me,' William whispers, amazed at his high-pitched voice. 'It's William. This is going to sound crazy, but your mother has turned me into a baby!'
William waits impatiently for Donna to reply. A click of the bathroom door and he hears Mary walk into the hall, then further away into the bedroom. 'C'mon, Donna, help-'
'Sorry,' Donna says, 'It's just a shock, that's all. Are you okay?'
William snorts. 'Apart from being a baby, you mean?'
'I mean in your head. Do you feel...like you've still got your adult mind?'
'Yeah, sure. Well, yes, I think so. Anyway, so Mary's a witch? You told me before, and then you denied it, but it's true, right?'
Donna sighs. 'Yes, it's true. We can talk about that later. Tell me what happened after you got to the apartment.'
'We had coffee, that's all, then I turned into a baby!'
'But you had cookies too, right? Mary's always got some cookies on the go.'
'Yes, yes. Look, I don't have much time, she's only in her bedroom and she could come to check on me any time. '
'How many cookies did you have?'
'What does it matter?'
'I'm just trying to see what led up to the regression, that's all.'
'I had two. No, I had one, it was pretty nasty, so I hid the second one when she was out of the room. Now, enough about the damn cookies, I need you to come over here and sort this out.' The phone line makes a sharp clicking noise, and now there's a little more background hiss. 'What was that?' William says. 'Did someone else pick up? Shit, has Mary got a phone in her bedroom?'
'Calm down, sweetie, it's just the line acting up, it's been like this all morning. Now, don't worry, William, I'll fix this. So...did you call the Police?'
'No,' William says, 'I called you first, I didn't think of calling the police. Should I do that? I don't have-'
'No,' Donna says quickly, cutting him off. 'I'll do it. You just sit tight. I'll call the police right now and then come over to the apartment. I'll take care of everything, okay?'
'Okay.' In spite of everything, William decides that there's a good chance that his wife can indeed sort things out, and it feels good to let her take charge. 'What do I do 'til you get here?'
'That's easy. Just sit tight and pretend to be a baby until I get there, so she doesn't get suspicious.'
'Pretend to be a baby? I don't know what to do, Mary'll see through me in a second!'
'"Granny" Mary will see through you?'
'What? No, I said "Mary."'
'No, darling, you called her "Granny Mary" I think you're getting a little bit confused. Don't you feel a little fuzzy, sweetie, like maybe you're just a little baby? I mean, it would be only natural, after all. You look like a baby. I bet your baby brain can't hold all your grown-up thoughts. Probably, the more time goes on, the less and less you remember about being an adult.'
William hadn't realised it, but perhaps Donna was right. He did start to feel a little strange. Perhaps it was just panic, the stress of the situation, but even Donna just mentioning the possibility of his mentally regressing makes William feel as though he is thinking like a child, as if he has become completely out of his depth.
Donna says, 'So tell me, sweetheart, where did you hide the second cookie?'
William is about to answer, when the bedroom door opens, and footsteps come down the hall.
'She's coming!' William whispers fiercely.
'Lie down and pretend you're asleep,' Donna says. 'Pretend you've gone night-nights, sweetie.'
William does as he's told, covering the phone with his body, shutting his eyes, his back to the living room door. He keeps still as Mary walks into the room and towards him.
'Still sleeping, are you?' Mary says brightly. 'What a sleepy baby! Well, here's something for you to play with when you wake up.' Mary puts something down on the carpet beside William. Then she walks back out of the living room, and William listens to Mary's footsteps as she makes her way to the kitchen.
William waits until he can hear Mary start to wash some dishes, then he sits back up and speaks into the phone. 'Still there?'
Donna gives a gentle laugh. 'Of course, silly boy. I wouldn't abandon you. So did I hear something about a toy?'
'Oh. Yeah.' William turns around and sure enough, Mary has left him something to play with.
A toy phone, with green wheels on the bottom and a smiling face peeking out from under the handle. 'It's a toy phone,' William says. 'Some stupid baby toy.'
'That sounds perfect,' Donna replies. ' Why don't you play with the baby phone until I get there? That's an easy way to act like a baby. I bet it makes all sorts of fun noises. Now, I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Be a good boy and play with the baby phone, and Mum will be there before you know it.'
Did Donna just call herself "Mum"? Surely not. William had better not mention it, or Donna will think his mind really is regressing to infancy.
William looks at the toy phone. There's something about it that does appeal to him. The bright colors have captured his attention, and the plastic handle and large yellow buttons look perfectly sized for his chubby hands. It certainly seems like more fun than the boring black grown-up phone he's using right now.
But there's a worry niggling at the back of William's mind. What if the baby phone makes him really think like a baby. He knows that he's managed to keep his adult mind intact so far, but he doesn't want to slip up.
William says, 'But Donna, what about what you said, about me thinking like I'm little? I don't wanna think like a baby, I don't wanna play with a baby toy.'
'I know, darling,' Donna says. 'But it's just pretend, right? You won't really be a baby. You know how to pretend, don't you?'
'Uh-huh.' William gazes at the toy phone, more and more attracted to its happy face. 'The phone's smiling, Mu...Donna,' he says, and giggles.
'That's right! Good boy, why don't you play with the special smiley phone, William? I bet it's lots of fun for a little boy like you. Mummy will be there soon, and then we can go home.'
That sounds like the perfect plan to William, and it doesn't bother him that Donna has called herself Mummy, or that his voice sounds just like a two-year-old's. 'Uh-huh, Will-yum pway wif smiwey-fone.' There's a sound from the doorway and William looks up to see Mary standing there. A few moments before, William would have panicked at such a sight, but now he giggles, laughing at the thought of tricking her into thinking he really is a baby. 'Ganny's here.' he says, putting on his best baby voice, which he doesn't find hard to do at all.
'That's a good boy! Now give the grown-up phone to Granny Mary so Mummy can speak to her.'
William nods, then holds out the cordless phone to Mary.
Mary smiles. 'Good boy!' Then, to Donna, 'Well done...there's no rush. Sure, there's been a hitch somewhere along the line, the effects of the toy phone will work long enough to give me time to sort this out completely. Yeah, a couple of hours and he'll be right as rain.'
William doesn't listen to the women's conversation, too enchanted by the toy phone. Soon he's hard at play, the ringing bell and buzzers make him laugh so hard that he forgets all about whether Mary is convinced that he's a real baby.
THREE
Donna was taking a long time to get there. Didn't she say twenty minutes? William isn't quite sure, but he thinks she said twenty. It must be longer than that now.
This makes William nervous, but he's even more concerned when he realises that he's been acting (and sounding) babyish without even trying. The toy phone, which had seemed such fun to him before, now seems like just a silly toy. Why had it been so attractive before? William can't understand it. He thinks back to the phone conversation he'd had with Donna, before Mary had put the toy phone beside him.
Why had Donna spoke to him like he was a baby on the phone? It was strange that she did that. Then William concludes that she was just helping him get into character - helping him to act like a baby so he could fool Mary until Donna and the police got there.
He looks up from the baby phone and sees that Mary is looking through his brief-case. She looks frustrated, but then grins as she pulls out a cookie.
'Hey, William, I know what would make your gums feel better.
William realises that he's been suc-king on his fist without noticing. He takes his hand out of his mouth and blushes at his infantile behavior.
Mary offers William the cookie. 'If you chew on this cookie like a good boy, then your little teethies will be all happy again.'
His gums do feel tender, and while he remembers not liking the cookie before, he decides that it's worth a try. And besides, eating a cookie is a lot less babyish that suc-king on his fingers. He takes the cookie from Mary and puts it in his mouth. He chews on it, and within a few seconds feels so much better. His gums hurt less, and for some reason, he's also less worried about the situation. Of course Donna will take care of things.
Mary smiles at him. 'Is it a good cookie, William?'
'Uh-huh,' William says happily, talking around the cookie. 'Nummy cookie, Ganny.'
'Good boy,' Mary says, and she turns on the TV and sits William on her lap. Teletubbies is on, and William is sure he's going to be bored, but he pretends to be excited about the show.
It doesn't take long for William to realise that the show is complicated. The characters look sort of like him, with their large heads and padded bottoms. William finds it a little hard to follow what's going on, and he decides that's because he's not really a baby, and only babies understand the show for real. But it's nice to watch, and the teletubbies are friendly, and the colors are so pretty. The sun in the sky is a baby's face, and when the baby laughs, William laughs too.
Mary jiggles William on her lap, and says, 'Look, William, look at the fluffy bunnies!'
William giggles. What a silly granny! William knows that there's a grown-up name for the animals, and that bunny is the name that babies use. He can't quite remember what the grown-up name is, but there definitely is one.
William suddenly feels pressure in his bowels, and his face turns red as he dirties his nappy. Perhaps he should tell Granny what's happened, but it's so nice to feel the warm and squishy poop against his bottom, so he just carries on watching the TV show, which is becoming more and more entertaining by the second.
A minute later, Mary sniffs the air and says brightly, 'I think someone made a stinky.' She lays William down on the carpet and starts to change William's nappy. William feels a little self-conscious. He knows that he shouldn't really be making big messes in his nappy, he should really be using the potty like a big boy. But then he remembers that Mummy told him to pretend he was a baby, and he feels a lot better. He's sure that Mummy will be very pleased with how well William fooled Granny Mary into thinking he was a real baby.
But where is Mummy? From where William's lying, he can see a clock on the wall. Strange, but it's such a struggle to read the numbers, and impossible to tell how long it's been since Mummy had spoken to him on the phone.
William is distracted from that thought as Granny finishes his nappy change and sits him back on her lap, ready to watch more Teletubbies. But his eyes feel heavy, and William puts his thumb in his mouth and dozes without even realizing.
A little while later, he notices that the TV has been switched off and Mummy is sitting on the couch with them, chatting with Granny.
Mummy sees that William has woken up, and tells him that she has bought William some new clothes. She puts denim Osh Kosh shortalls over his T-shirt.
William's surprised about the clothes. Mummy's supposed to be making Granny change William back into a big boy - why isn't she mad at Granny Mary, why is she sounding so happy and dressing him in more baby clothes? Unless?...there's something wrong, and William feels frustrated by his inability to think coherently.
Also, his new teeth are feeling tender again. He starts to fuss, and he's annoyed to discover that he can't talk very well at all. In fact, he sounds just like the baby he was pretending to be earlier. 'Muh koo-koo, ganny,' he says, pleading with Granny for another one of the special cookies to chew on.
Mary smiles at him, but instead of a cookie, Mummy gives him a plastic teething ring instead. William puts the ring in his mouth. The relief from his sore gums distracts William from any worries he has about the baby clothes or Mummy's behaviour. It's a big relief, to chew on the hard plastic. Drools runs down his chin and into his lap.
'Yes, you did a good job mentally regressing him on the phone, and then the toy phone did its work on him. But without the second cookie, it would only have been temporary. Both cookies mean the spell is complete and he's a real baby. I'm very glad I was able to find it in his briefcase!'
Donna nods. 'Funny that the cookie you choose was the first one he's ever not liked!'
Mary replies, 'Yes, but I couldn't resist using that particular kind of cookie for the spell. You see, adults dip them in coffee, but the cute thing is that they're also used for teething babies.'
Donna smiles. 'How adorable!'
William looks up at the two grown-ups as they speak. So many big words! He's finding it impossible to make any sense of what Mummy and Granny Mary are saying. But they're both smiling at him as they talk, so he smiles back.
Time to go home with mummy. William is happy that they were able to fool Granny Mary. He can't quite remember what the game was, but he's sure that he was very good at it. Mummy is so happy with him and giving him such big cuddles, that William knows he's been a very good baby.
THE END
Betty Pearl's Sissy Stories 20.1
Topic: Teething Troubles by Sebtomato (Read 7741 times)
