Honorary Woman

[Alana]

“Wow! That is gorgeous!”

“I knew you’d love it.”

“Well, you can’t be feeling too bad if you feel like wearing a dress like that. But that’s not what you were wearing to dinner, was it? My friend said you were wearing some sparkly black thing.”

“I know, but I just felt like showing you this dress.”

“Do a twirl for me, Norma.”

Norman spun in his dress, and the skirt flared beautifully. Mary rolled her eyes.

“Listen, don’t worry about that mess at the restaurant. I talked to his wife. He’s going to come here and apologize personally.”

Mary said, “I seem to be the only wife in town who doesn’t have perfect control over her husband.”

“And of course, there won’t be any trouble about your little assault, Mary.”

“Well, I should hope not!” said Mary.

Norman interrupted to mention that Mary had been kicked out of the garden club.

“Really? Why? Oh, what am I saying? This town, I swear! My gosh, you’d think we were living in Alabama or something! Don’t worry, Mary, I’ll talk to the club president. She owes me a favor. I’ll get you back in.”

“Thank you, Melissa.”

“Listen, you know I’d like to stay, but it’s late. I just wanted to make sure you’re OK, Norma.”

“I’m fine.”

“And if you think you’re not lending me that dress sometime, you’re crazy.”

“Only if I can wear to a picnic next weekend.”

“Yes! I thought that as soon as I saw you! It’s amazing how much we think alike.”

The next day MacHenry came and apologized to Norman, but it wasn’t a very sincere apology and wasn’t meant to taken as one. He said he’d just wanted to have a little fun with Norman. MacHenry clearly had nothing but contempt for Norman, despite the fact that they’d both been on stage together in evening gowns. But Norman didn’t really need an apology. He was just glad the incident was over. He thought of flirting with MacHenry a little, just to see what he’d do, but maybe it was better to just move on.

Time passed, as it does for all of us. Many months and many different dresses went by. Mary constantly complained about how many new dresses her husband was buying.

Norman got back into the weekly poker game, and he and Jim flirted openly with each other, right in front of the other two guys. Norman enjoyed it. He thought the flirting was fun, and he always enjoyed the discomfiture of the other guys.

It was just a couple weeks from the next “womanless beauty pageant,” and Norman was in “Better Dresses” shopping for an evening gown for the competition when he saw a cute velvet floral dress, very short and very tight. He thought “Jim will love me in this.” He bought it immediately.

The next day at work he managed to encounter Jim in his new dress right in front of where the ladies worked.

“Hi there, Jim,” he said, posing in his new dress.
   

[Alana]

“Wow!” he said. “You are a knockout! You look so sexy today!”

“Oh thank you, baby.”

Norman turned to go, and Jim slapped him right on the ass.

Unfortunately the women had seen this so many times, they didn’t even react any more. They were just weary of the whole thing and wanted it to be over.

When Norman left, he almost bumped right into Mrs. Lettinger. She said, “Tell me, Norman, why do you two continue to perform that little ritual for the girls when it’s obvious it doesn’t annoy them any more?”

“It’s fun.”

“Your wife told me you’d quit this nonsense if we’d ignore you and stop giving you attention. Doesn’t seem to have worked. Anyway, come in my office, Mr. Dress-wearer. I want to show you something.”

He followed her in, and she showed him an official looking doc-ument.

“It took some doing, but I finally got the dress code changed. Read.”

The doc-ument said that the dress code was now a suit and tie and appropriate shoes, for men. A skirt or dress, and high heels at least two inches, for women. Failure to maintain proper attire will result in dismissal.

“We’re close to the idiotic pageant, so I’ll forget about it until then. After that, whether you’re an honorary woman or not, if you come to work like this again you will be fired. Understand, Mr. Pantyhose?”

“Sure.”

At the doorway, she said, “You know, of all the things that God has done to make things interesting for us here on earth, I’m sure that the best of these was His plan to make men think that women have all the best of it in this world, and to make women think that men have all the best of it. I’m sure that one day I will find out which one of these is true, but probably not in this world, and probably not today.”

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do about this change. He thought about it. He decided that if he won the title again, and he had every expectation he was going to, he would continue to wear dresses to work. If she succeeded in firing him, he would just have to get another job. Maybe they needed another salesgirl at “Better Dresses”?

He really didn’t like being told what to do. He always followed the rules, but as far as he was concerned, the title of “honorary woman” meant that the only portion of the dress code that applied to him was the part about what women wear. That was his interpretation of the rules, and he felt certain it would prevail over Mrs. Lettinger’s interpretation.

That night, Norman thought about how close the next pageant was, and about Jim. He wondered if it was real, if Jim was really attracted to him. He was pretty sure it was a put-on, but all of a sudden he had an insatiable desire to find out for sure. He told Mary he was going out for a walk.

Before leaving, he wrote a short note that said, “Jim, I’m not really attracted to you. Just playing with you.” He put it in his purse, just in case he needed it.

He walked to Jim’s place. It was a cool night, and he could feel a bit of a breeze going up his skirt in his short dress. Though tight, his dress was stretchy enough that he could take a full stride, so he made good time. He got to Jim’s place and knocked on the door. Jim let him in, and he pretended to be in great distress. He dropped his purse on the table, like before.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be bothering you about this. It’s just that Mary and I had a fight. She just doesn’t understand me.”

He sat on the sofa and crossed his legs.

“She doesn’t understand that I was meant to be a woman. That I am a woman. In here.” He touched his chest with his fingertips.

He patted the sofa, and Jim sat next to him.

“It’s all over between us, Jim. Between Mary and me. And it’s all because of you. It’s all because I can’t get you out of my mind. Hold me, Jim.”

Jim put his arms around him.

“Kiss me.”

Norman closed his eyes and puckered his lips.

He kept his eyes closed and waited. It seemed like a long time, but he didn’t open them.

Finally he heard, “OK, I just can’t do this.”

He opened his eyes.

Jim said, “Look, this was just supposed to be a gag, just something to make you uncomfortable like you’ve been making everyone else uncomfortable. Maybe even get you to quit wearing dresses.”

“I knew it!” said Norman.

Jim was genuinely surprised.

“You were playing with me?” Jim asked.

“Like you played with me. But you can’t beat a girl like me at my own game. You were outclassed. Never underestimate the power of a woman. Even an honorary one.”

“OK, fine. You got me. You win.”

“But you’re still going to keep flirting with me at work, right? It’s fun.”

“You want me to keep slapping you on the ass? I should spank you, right now.”

Norman actually climbed across Jim’s lap, and waited, smiling. Jim was shocked.

“Go ahead. Lift up my skirt and spank me. I’ve been a naughty girl.”

“Will you get off me! You know I’m not going to spank you!”

“Don’t ever bluff with a girl like me unless you’re willing to follow through. And now I will leave you in the ignominy of your defeat. Good night.”

He stood up, tugged down his skirt and looked around for his purse.

Jim asked, “Why do you do it, Norman? Why do you keep wearing dresses when so many people are trying to get you to stop? Is it just to mess with people’s heads? Has it all just been pretending? You can’t tell me you don’t enjoy being a woman.”

“Of course I enjoy it. It’s fun.”

“How’d you know I was playing with you, anyway?”

“You’re a lousy actor. I, however, am an excellent actress. I know how to play a lady in distress. A lady in ‘this dress,’ I should say.”

“Would you really have been willing to let me kiss you, just to win your little game?”

“You know what they say. When the heels are on, the gloves are off.”
   

[Alana]

He grabbed his purse and left. He didn’t see any reason to reveal the little note in his purse. It wasn’t needed.

The night of the pageant, all the married men were back in evening gowns again. Norman wore his brand new pink evening gown, and he looked quite beautiful. He was nervous. He kept his sweaty palms close to the sides of his gown. He felt like the whole crowd was glaring at him, except Melissa, and it rattled him so much he found it difficult to smile. Yet he still looked prettier than anyone else up there.
   

[Alana]

But it didn’t matter. Everyone knew the fix was in. They gave the title to Phil. A stranger might’ve wondered why in the world they didn’t give the title to the only pretty one there.

Afterwards, Norman sat backstage, heartbroken. His wife had brought a brown suit for him to wear home. She had just gotten it out of storage that day. It was there hanging on a garment rack, waiting for him.

His wife said, “Come on, honey, it won’t be so bad, being a man again. You are one, after all. You’ll get used to wearing pants again. You won’t have to wear a bra, any more. Won’t that be good? Come on, let’s get you out of that evening gown.”

Melissa came sweeping into the dressing room in a red chiffon dress. “You were robbed!” she said. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter. Put your dress back on and let’s go have some dinner. Don’s waiting.”

“I can’t wear dresses any more, Missy.”

“What do you mean, you can’t wear dresses?”

“The town has told me I’m not worthy of being a woman any more. I have to go back to being a man.”

“You, a man? Don’t be ridiculous! You’re not a man.”

Mary said, “Yes he is, Melissa. There’s the suit he’s wearing home.”

She looked at it and said, “You’re seriously going to wear this? In public? In front of everyone?”

“It looks like I have to, Missy.”

“Why? You’re not going to let what’s written on some little plaque rule your entire life, are you?”

“I did before.”

“But you can’t! You’re a woman. Look at you! There’s no trace of any man there!”

Mary said, “Melissa, that’s enough! I’ve waited through an entire year of picnics and wearing each other’s dresses and seeing my husband’s pantyhose drying on the curtain rod. Enough’s enough! You are not going to force my husband to be a woman for the rest of his life!”

“I’m not forcing her to be a woman! She is a woman! You can’t do this! You can’t take Norma away from me!”

“His name is Norman. Please just give us a minute, Melissa. He needs to get changed.”

“No!” she said. In panic, she grabbed the suit and held it by one shoulder. “I won’t let you do this! You’re going to turn her into a phony! You just want to make her conform, like everyone else in this town!”

Mary grabbed the suit by the other shoulder and said, “Let go!”

“Norma, you’re my best friend here. We both know you’re more feminine and girly than any other so-called woman in this place. More than me, even! I can’t live without our picnics and trips to the dress store and all the other little things we did.”

“Maybe you can get Phil to go with you,” he said.

“Oh, Phil’s not going to do anything with the title! Who cares who has the stupid title? You should’ve won. Why are you doing this?”

Mary said, “Because my husband always follows the rules.”

“I don’t like this any more than you do, Melissa, but I have to do it. I lost the title. But maybe next year I might win again. Then Norma can come back.”

“Can’t you just wear your pretty dress tonight? One last night?”

“No. I’m late as it is. All the other guys are out of their evening gowns already.”

“Melissa, please don’t make a scene. Let go of my husband’s suit and give us some privacy.”

She let go of the suit and sadly walked to the door with slow steps, stopping on the way out to say, “Norma, you can parade around in a suit if you want to, but we both know that underneath it, you’re a woman. Do you think I would’ve undressed in front of you if you weren’t a woman? Don’t you know you’re a woman?”

“Not any more,” he said, sadly.

So Norman changed into his brown suit and went back to being a man. He hated wearing a tie, again. It took him quite some time to unlearn all the little feminine gestures he’d picked up. Though he wore suits to work, it was months before he stopped being worried every time he went through a door that he might get his skirt caught, or every time he went on an elevator that he might get his heel caught in the gap. He couldn’t leave a room without looking around for his purse. Outside, the slightest breeze would cause him to reflexively reach down to hold his non-existent skirt in place. He avoided some splinters sticking out of a door because he was sure they would cause him to get a run in his nylons. And a number of times he nearly went into the Ladies Room before changing course at the last second.

The men didn’t forbear when it came to making fun of him. Though he was back to wearing suits, they still called him Norma and said, “After you, Miss.” But he was immune to embarrassment, and just smiled in response. Jim didn’t flirt with him any more, though. There was no more slapping him on the ass.

Standing next to Norman at a urinal, a guy in the office said, “I’ll bet you’ve missed this!”

“Oh sure,” he said sadly. “Women get to wear beautiful dresses and evening gowns, get asked on dates, get their drinks paid for, get all kinds of attention. But we get to use the urinal, so---yay us.”

Sometimes people would see him walking past “Better Dresses” looking wistfully at the displays in the window. But he never went in.

He gave all his dresses to his wife, but most of them were either too girly or too sexy for her, and she seldom wore them. When she did, someone was sure to say, “Isn’t that your husband’s dress?” which embarrassed her no end.

He saw Melissa again. They approached each other on the sidewalk, and at first she looked at him without recognition. As they got closer, she realized who he was. She looked at him first with anger, then with sadness, then with regret.

He showed up that night at her door.

“I just wanted you to have this,” he said. “You always loved it.”

It was the pink dress.
   
THE END
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