55.
The girls tumbled into the street and swarmed round the corner to the baby window, Patricia and Sinead acting as sheep-dogs.
âGirls! Keep your hands of the glass, please!â shouted Patricia. âSusanâs just had it cleaned.â
After the relative shade of the shop, Archie blinked in the sunlight flooding in through the plate glass. The first thing he registered was the girls dancing and waving at him from outside, though he could hear their voices only faintly through the double glazing. He looked around him. He had stumbled into a babyâs paradise â or a boyâs hell. It was a long window space. The floor was carpeted with some sort of soft pink fabric, the back wall was lined with fabrics also in varying shades of pink, there was a white wooden cot at one end, painted with pink hearts and with various pink and white distractions suspended above it, and three tiers of carry-cots at the other. In between were all the things a baby was supposed to need when it wasnât sleeping. There were high chairs, plastic picnic cloths, plastic plates, bowls and cutlery, and plastic bibs. There was a range of feeding-bottles with different sized teats, the bigger ones filled with various juices, and a board hung with pacifiers of all shapes and sizes. Jars and jars of special baby foods â which only served to remind him how hungry he was. Then there was a display of rubber and plastic baby pants that made him shudder, packs of pull-ups and nappies, and all the paraphernalia of baby-changing â creams and oils and bath foam and powders and sponges. On the back wall there were baby-vests and leggings and bootees. Balloons and pacifiers hung on threads from the ceiling. In the middle of the display were lots of baby toys: balls of various sizes, soft toys of all descriptions, dolls, brightly-painted wooden blocks, plastic puzzles for parents to assess their babyâs degree of genius, wooden frames with holes and pegs accompanied by little wooden hammers, that no sane parent would ever give a child of any age; animals, ranging from just-too-big-to-swallow pigs to a yellow rocking-horse. In the middle of the window was a very large, padded vinyl changing mat â designed for twins, perhaps. Archie sat down on it in the midst of this Aladdinâs Cave of assorted baby junk - and suc-ked his thumb. It wasnât entirely his own idea; Susan was issuing instructions through a small aperture behind a baby vest.
âDonât just sit there â suc-k your thumb or something.â
He could see the girls laughing, but a couple of women that had stopped to stare nudged each other, obviously thinking how cute it was.
âOkay, now look around you. Notice the pacifiers. Crawl over, take the biggest one, and pop it in. Go on, Archie! Look, more people are arriving. They want to see an active baby! And donât sulk, please â itâs not nice.â
Archie crawled over to the pacifier display. A whole display, just of pacifiers! Insane! This baby thing was almost a cult. He looked over them. Most were pretty average, but the bottom row were huge, like the one heâd had pinned to his long baby vest. She must mean to take one of them.
âYes, Archie â one of the big ones â go on â one of the specials.â
Archie frowned. The âspecialsâ? Well, theyâd be much too big for a regular babyâŚ
âWell suc-k it, thenâŚâ
He popped it in. It was flavoured! It tasted likeâŚwhite chocolate cheesecake! Yummy! He looked around. Some of those baby pants looked very large too⌠And the pull-ups⌠They mostly had T-numbers and weights for sizes, but one, he noticed, had a picture of a young lady on the side â and she was suc-king a big pink pacifier! There was more to this shop than met the eye. Lots of things were marked âlarger sizes availableâ, and the cot had a notice saying âsingle-bed size on requestâ.
Megan had joined the girls outside, and Archie could see her and the older girls peering at the things in the window with interest.
âIt looks like they cater for all ages,â remarked Sinead. âDonât you think?â
âWell I suppose there must be a demand,â agreed Megan, albeit with raised eyebrows. âI mean I wanted stuff for Archie, so⌠â
Susan joined them.
âIâm so grateful to you for allowing Archie to do this. When you appeared in the shop it was like the answer to my prayers. And he makes such a great baby. Look at him!â
Archie had decided it wasnât so bad after all. He was beginning to enter into the spirit of the thing, in the way that boys do when they have an audience and theyâre in the mood to be silly. He lay on him tummy, suc-king alternately at his dummy and a big bottle of juice. Then he put down the bottle, picked up a tub of cream, and stuck one finger into it. He pulled it out, looked at it for a moment as if considering whether he should taste it, then wiped it on his vest and gave his audience a mischievous grin.
âSo Susan,â began Megan, âwe saw you have a lot of larger sizesâŚâ
âOh, you noticed⌠Yes, well, I used just to stock ordinary baby things, but I got asked for larger, even adult sizes, so often that I diversified. I noticed youâd found some things to fit ArchieâŚâ
âYes. I got most online. But now I know youâre hereâŚâ
âOh, please do. I have other things too, which arenât on display. Does Archie like dressing up as a baby?â
Sinead laughed. âNo, he doesnât. Not really. WeâŚer, persuaded himâŚâ
âBut canât we persuade him again?â suggested Patricia. âWouldnât it be fun to have our own little baby to play with?â
âYou should,â said Susan, enthusiastically. She lowered her voice. âI have several customers who dress their boys up as babies some of the time. Itâs amazing how it calms them down. If I had my way all boys would stay as babies until they learned how to behave nicely â however long it took!â
âI think thatâs a most laudable view, Susan,â said Megan sternly. âBoys can be so unruly. Thank goodness I didnât have one. Yes, I would have all of them back in baby clothes from the age of eleven untilâŚwell, until they learned some manners.â
Megan and Susan were clearly of one mind.
âIâll let you into a little secret,â said Susan, lowering her voice. âThereâs a club in town â Brendaâs Babies. Itâs for mothers with difficult boys. Brendaâs a friend of mine. It was her idea in the first place. She came to me one day asking if I stocked boy-sized baby pants, and it developed from there. Thereâs three boys now, teenagers or pre-teens. The mothers meet once a week, usually on Sundays, and compete to see which baby has the cutest outfit, or which boy plays at being a baby the best. Iâve attended one meeting. Itâs great fun, as well as being really good for the boysâ general behaviour.â
Megan was startled. âButâŚhow on earth did the mothers talk their sons into it? Especially if theyâre badly behaved in the first placeâŚâ
âOh, no, they wouldnât do it willingly. They all have secrets that theyâd do anything to avoid their friends finding out. Thatâs what makes it so amusing.â She glanced at Archie, who was entertaining himself stuffing a balloon into a pair of plastic pants. âIf you like I can introduce youâŚâ
âWhy donât I ask mum?â said Sinead, excited. âIâm sure sheâd agree. When he was misbehaving she always used to go on about what a cute baby he was. âHow can such a sweet little baby turn into this horrid monster?â she used to say.â
Susan turned to the window. âWell, he certainly seems to be enjoying himself at the moment. Iâm a bit surprised, to be honestâŚâ
âItâs the audience,â laughed Sinead. âHe a suc-ker for attention â a natural show-off!â
âItâs true,â cried Sarah, joining into the conversation. âAt Irish dancing heâs only happy when he thinks everyoneâs looking at him! Thatâs why he loves wearing his silly leotard and trying to outdo Conor all the time.â
âInterestingâŚâ mused Susan. âI think heâd be perfect for Brenda. They even have regular photo shoots. Sheâs got a huge album of photosâŚâ
âReally?â said Megan.
âOh yes. She meets each boy separately before they join the group, with the mother. Has a little chat. Says she has an agency, providing child actors for adverts, and so on. Flatters them about their looks and natural talents. The mothers have been prepped to demur â âdarling, I donât think the acting world would be good for youâŚlots of bad peopleâŚtemptationsâŚgirlsâŚmoneyâs not everythingâŚâ etc., etc. Clever, eh? Before they know it, theyâre posing and showing off and doing the most ridiculous things in front of the camera. Once sheâs got a nice embarrassing collection she sits them down to watch their performances. Only then does it dawn on them that theyâve been well and truly snared. Thereâs no way back. From then on they dance to her tune. So far itâs babies, but she tells me sheâs thinking of moving into feminisationâŚâ
âArchie would fall for that, no probs!â cried Sarah.
âShh, SarahâŚâ Patricia put a finger to her lips.
âIâm going to talk to mum,â said Sinead, firmly. âThat sounds perfect for Archie. One more day he couldnât get into mischief. Does Brenda charge for this?â
âNo â she does it for love. All his mum would need to pay for is the outfits⌠And she could participate if she wanted â so could any of you. The more the merrier at those little partiesâŚâ