Promises, Obligations and Consequences

[teddi]

I wonder to myself as I hurry to the bomb shelter.  Promises.  Empty rhetoric. Broken homes.  Broken families...a broken nation.



Eleven years ago, when still a child of five,  I remember that night beside the Brandenburg gate.  Father had hoisted me to sit upon his shoulders....I  looked along the Wilhelmstrasse up to the presidential palace.  The pounding of drums and the military music was emphasized more so by the pounding jackboot steps of the SA...the Sturmabteilung (shtoormabtailung).



The gold and red Nazi banners were highlighted by the thousands of hand held torches which played their flickering  light across them.  Now the SS...Schutzstaffelor (shoots shtahfl) made their appearance.  Each had been hand picked by the der Fuhrer and had sworn their personal alliegence to him and each was over two meters in height.  Their grimly determined faces, added emphasis to their resolve.



For moments, and to us they seemed too preciously long, we waited for his appearance...I bent my head and asked father..."when shall he come father?"....."soon".... was  his only reply.   Perhaps ten minutes had past when the slow drumbeats echoed for all to hear.



Trumpets blared his arrival and in a beam of light he graced us with his precence.  "Heil! Sieg Heil!.....Hail!  Hail Victory!   We believed he would save us all.   How disasterously wrong and blind we were.

[teddi]

Now I am brought round to reality.



The scream of the air raid sirens works their way to a deafening pitch, ever louder and louder until they are literally upon me....another bombing run by those who call them selves..."The Allies"...but in fact most of the planes are flown by Amerikana.  In my rush to gain safe harbor....I stumble.... and fall to the pavement.  



I hear...in the distance... the approaching drones of engines.   As if in harmony, their low base vibrations echo across the lands beneath their wings. And...as if in a  mockening reply to der Fuhers proclamation..."Here commenst!" (we are coming!).



Now the resounding sounds of the AAA (anti-aircraft artillary) begin to announce that they will meet the arrival.   Boom...Boom...Boom...the many pieces fire at the now approaching planes.  I look skyward and see the search lights moving to and fro to seek out the enemy's position.  Why, I can't say, for even I, with un-aided eye can tell.  



Wave upon wave....formation upon formation...they come... illuminated by moonlight and the magnesium-phosphorus rounds hurled towards them.  But few are struck....I note that one... in particular....which carries a star upon its tail...is one of the unlucky ones.....a wing explodes.... collapses....and folds up to meet the canopy of the crafts occupents.



The low drone of it's engines now changes rapidly to a high pitch scream....it falls from the sky....the tracer rounds of the anti-aircraft guns finally can reach their target.  Yet even as it falls, and meets the ground but a short distance from me....the others are undetered.  



The whining whistles of their payloads can be heard.  Explosions walk their way towards me.  The vibrations begin to shatter glass.....storefronts shatter and apartment glass windows fall away to the ground below.  Even closer, closer and closer....they are relentless in their approach.  Roof fascades...crumble .... and detach... as do the many  street balconies which line the strassa.



The screams of people are mixed with the sounds of  the mutual warfare.



When I stand, I know that I have wet myself once again.... but...again try to make way to the shelter.



As fast as I can run....I make my way through tonights debre...the shelter's safety... is now but fifty meters from me....I pass the two SS troops standing to my right.  They do not bother me...for their interest is focused on the AAA battery fronting the shelter on the opposite side of the strassa.  I know full well their task.  To kill anyone who leaves his post.

[teddi]

As I turn to enter the shelter, "my knee sock catches upon a metal clip, which held what once was the marquee, above the shelter, in place....I stumble and fall once more.  The strassa,  now bathed in moonlight...and.... is painted with the erie shadows of the bombers as they fly above... erupts......all around.... the symphony of madness begins.  



The defeaning roars of bombs as they kiss both earth and buildings is mixed together with the sounds of human terror.  On either side, of the strassa, tenament flats heave...move upwards as if on spring boards then collapse or fall away from their pinnings.



Dust and  smoke...fill the air.... a thick and acrid smell but also dense enough to touch.  And now...the  fires from the many broken gas mains and lines in the strassa and of the remains of the flats make their dancing appearance.

[teddi]

Moments later I found myself lifted and set aright.  I turned to see who had hoisted me from the ruins.  I looked upon the stunned face of Gunter...our next door neighbor....who was more like an understanding big brother to me.  He fell to the side and away from me....my gaze struck upon the blood which flowed from his back....the SS had performed their task.  



At the same moment, the AAA across the strassa was lifted skyward some thirty meters or more....the earth below the piece erupted in orange, red and white flames.  It belched all which had stood upon it.... up and outwards.  



The shock waves blow me into the wall and down the steps to the shelter opening.  The black shirted SS who had slain Gunter, was in turn...halved.....severed at the waist....and then  consumed by a magnesium-phosphorus round which fell upon him.  



Mother found her way to me and pulled me to a kiosk.  There she held, and consoled me.   I looked at her and broke but a brief smile.  I also noticed that I was being spied upon.  A crying child, no more than eight, watched with intensity.  I blinked....and the child vanished before me.  



I kept this within, for I had resolved some time ago that unless a question was possed to which I could either nod..... "yes".....  or inturn shake my head "no" .........that I would never utter another word for as long as I would live.   And through the eve's events....I do not cry out nor do I shed a tear.

[teddi]

After the raid...mother held my hand and led me to where our tenament had once stood.   The front wall of the entire structure had be shaved away....exposing the contents housed within. Water flowed down the face of the structure,  linens, clothing, furniture, and all other items of daily life were now exposed...nakedly....for the world to see.



We made our way to the third floor flat...which we once called home.....there ....in the entry foyer....by the light of flames near and far... she removed my wet pants and diapered me.  We were to sleep together in the foyer.....she held me ever so close and hugged me throught the night. This would be the last night we would be together.  She wept.



Even at my age I felt no shame....for I was ....small for my age.....and of slight of build....and resembled a child of eight or nine....more than one of almost sixteen.  I was content for the moment and pushed tonights events aside...then...waited for my sleep horrors to begin.



The following morning Mother dressed me in shorts, knee socks and a blouse of white cotton.... then made straight away to the wireless office....  with me taken in hand.  As we walked,  she made her intentions known.  She would wire her sister, Greta, and ask for her to take me in....for how long she made no mention.  



Throughout the day we sat and awaited a reply....which came past three thirty that afternoon.  "Yes...bring him" was the reply.   As she read the message....she again....but with a greater sense of urgency took me by the hand and made straight for our ruined flat.



It then occurred to me...that again...I felt spied upon.  Certainly not by the SS or the SA...but instead...I believed I saw the same crying youth I had seen this past evening.  Yet everytime I turned for a closer look... he was not to be found.



She pulled from the entry closet a worn valise in which she packed what items I would in fact need....two pairs of knee britches, knee socks, on pair of shoes, three jerseys and ten set of diapers,  five heavy soakers and eight white plastic pants.  Of the diapers and pants I could not object for every morning I would wake up wet.

[teddi]

As she packed, she looked to my face, her soft smile changed quickly to one of concern..... softly she spoke... "Joachem.....are you ill? you've not eaten nor drank much water today....what is wrong?"  I shook my head...pointed to my side and back....I hurt terribly...and it seemed to be worsening.... as I stood before her she beckoned....and sofly spoke...."Come...let Mama see."



As she lifted my white jersey I heard her scream....."NEIN!!!  NEIN!   NEIN!!! (NO! NO! NO!)."  She runs her hands across my side and back , as if trying to erase a marking of some type....first firmly then with soft carresses .....then cries as she explodes in fury.



"NOT YOU TOO. NOT YOU.  NO.  FIRST MY DAUGHTER THEY TAKE FROM ME.....THEN YOUR FATHER....AND NOW YOU???!!!  THAT BASTARD PAPERHANGER BE DAMNED.  HE HAS BROUGHT US ALL TO RUIN....AND NOW....EVEN YOU SHALL I ....."  I had no idea of what "daughter" she spoke of and was now even in doubt.... as to my father.



She did not complete her thought out loud.  She gingerly layed me down.....removed my shorts  and then....abruptly stopped.  Her face, became too painful to look upon and her crying..... increased dramatically with each second that past.



She murmered...."nu er fyrir" ('tis wet with blood)!  



In silence I watched....as mother removed and held for a moment by the dimming daylight.... my wet diapers...soaked in blood.  I thought to myself...."indeed for me it is Gotterdammerung.....I stand near to the coming "twilight of the gods."  My breaths become shallow and I approach panic.....turning my head away....I see once more....the crying youth.



Even more so do I become frightened.....he lifts his arm...and points to the marking upon it.....I hold my hand which bears the same mark aloft....the same as what I bear?......he nods "yes"...he know my thoughts?....he nods again.  "Am I going to...d?"...... he nods before I can finish.  



Mother has diapered me again....but seems unaware of the vision to whom with I silently converse...can she not see?...does she not hear? ....he moves his head...."no."   Are you the reaper of souls?  "No" ...his response.....he points to his mark....then to mine....then back to his....then points to his face....to mine...to his.....



I see......myself!.....as I once was....?



"NO."  



He moves to the wall clock....points to the number four .....then circles the face with one finger forward to twelve.  Two more times he does the same.  Only one time does he go backwards on the face of the clock...but as he reaches two...stops....and...shakes his head "no."  



He circles the clock forward once more and points to himself.....but once back and points to me.....then .....then.....do I begin to understand....."yes" is his reply.



"Then... What???!!!  WHAT IS IT YOU WANT???!!!"....WHAT IS IT?!...WHY DO YOU COME TO ME NOW??!!!



He points to me....then himself.....to me again....pauses but a moment....then seems to smile....lifting left hand palm up ..... he plays the first two fingers of his other across it....almost as if one was walking....emphatically he nods "YES"...... points to the photo on the back of our enry door.....the one of whom I lovingly call "Thor"....the eagle at the aviary of the zoo......again he plays fingers across the palm ....then turns  fingers to fist.....striking repeatedly up and down upon his upturned palm....and points once more to "Thor."  Two more times he repeats his signs until I grasp his desire...."you want me to go....there....?  Now?"  A grimacing, emploring and  almost  painful nod of.... "yes"... is his reply.

[teddi]

Hoping to embrace .....Mama pulls me up to her....as she does....I look back to the spectre...he is gone.  She tries to wrap her arms around me...I will have none of it.....for I now sense a greater urgency.....if I tarry....what else could be lost may be more important than the few breaths I have remaining.



I push from her and walk to the door....point at the picture....then myself....and beckon her to take me.....to der honen goll (eagles nest).



She moves her head side to side, I know....she wishes to hold me close until.....



I move mine likewise in reply.....but also employ the same emphatic hand signage that was used upon me......I do not wait for her to acquiese ...I turn and begin the walk downstairs to.....there to exit on to the strasse.... for the last time.  



Mother will soon catch me at the corner....takes my hand in hers....and with tears in her eyes nods  "yes." She speaks softly to me..."how can I refuse your...last... request....I know how dear this creature is to you."



Along the torn route we walk....all familiar forms have been torn and ripped apart and lay strewn about without regard to size, form and even the once living beings  now adorn the landscape.....broke into pieces....I think to myself....even Dante had more order than this in his works!  But then again...I was dead last night and did not know it!



At length, we reach the zoo, I pull Mother to go faster....the urgency....and need to be once more under the eagles gaze grows urgently within me.  I am brought up short as we reach the aviary.....there are no birds!....all are gone!



My eyes open wide in panic....did I delay too long....how can I leave this...this.... "JOACHEM!  what are you doing here?"  The voice, I recognize...... continues...."Frau, why do you bring your son here?"  Mother whispers a reply....the keepers eyes begin to water as he shakes his head ....he lowly intones....."No....oh no."  



"You have come too late Joachem.....all the birds ....as well as your eagle have been loosed.  It was felt by the curator.....that it was better to die free than caged...so I was ordered to release them all....including the one you spent hours at a time silently looking at."



He turned to Mother, "Frau....the only time the great bird was at ease was when Joachem was near.   He would turn his head and watch your son circle his cage....and I'll be damned....it almost seemed as if he recognized him....would extend his neck and look to him...as if to ask for his head to be scratched by his hands."



As the keeper spoke to Mother I slowly walked the path to where the great bird had once nested.....the gate was swung open....wide....I peered to the opening of his retreat....he was not there either.  



I was shattered....my body began to tremble and now....now....a buzz ran through my head.  It was time.  I turned to leave the eagles nest and there the other me stood....he beckoned me to his side.....and as I approached....pointed to the highest point of a structure...some eighty meters away.   There....upon it..... perched....the mighty Thor.



With but a slight lean forward he extends his wings and glides to where we both stand. With three halting flaps of his wings he is upon us...but two meters away.   I look to my...my other self... he  moves from my side as the great Thor approches me.  I look to Mother and the keeper....they stare with mouths open but do not approach.  Only Thor draws near.



At least one and one third meters in height, the mightiest of birds of prey struts to face me.  We are but a hands length and finger touch away from each other.  He stares into my eyes as I do into his.    He bows his head to me and moves it closer....coc-king it to the right....as if to inquire...."do you understand?"  



I turn to my other self....he nods...stroking left palm with right hand.  "You mean...?   "Yes" is his reply.  Timidly.  Haltingly and with as soft a touch as I can manage....I touch his white plumage.  Then softly caress his waiting brow.  He draws closer and rests his head upon my shoulder.....softly he nips at my ear....



My body quivers and shakes...not from what will soon happen to it ...but from the joy that I now feel.  For ten years I vowed ....that I....would never speak a word or cry out nor shed a tear.....until I died....I have kept my promise......at long last I can relieve myself of this obligation....I cry.



My legs grow weak and I find I cannot stand....