My Summer as a Girl

[Alana]

My darling actually tripped and almost fell when he saw me!

He came toward me for another dance, but it was too late. The dance was over. We went back out to the car, my sisters thanking me all the way, and thanking Tom as well.

When we got back to the cabin, my three sisters went in the door ahead of me, and at the doorway, Tom grabbed me and kissed me.

"I've been wanting to do that all night," he said.

"I've been wanting you to do it all night," I said, and we kissed some more. My sisters giggled, but they went off to bed, leaving us alone. Well, not quite alone.

"What the hell are you boys doing?" my Mom demanded.

We came inside, holding hands. Well, she had to find out about us sooner or later. How long could we hide our love?

"We were kissing, Mom."

"Tom? Have you turned gay all of a sudden?"

"Gay? I was kissing your daughter. What does that have to do with being gay?"

'Tom, you've got three real girls right here you could go out with. What in the world were you doing kissing my son?"

"We're in love," I said.

She rolled her eyes.

"OK, I think I know what this is. This is some kind of a little stunt you're pulling, acting like a real girl, so I'll get scared you're going crazy and let you out of your punishment."

"No, Mom! It might've started like that, but this is real! We're really in love, and we want to get married some day. And I want to become a real girl."

"OK, this is just completely nuts. This is too much for me to deal with right now. I don't know what I'm going to do with you two, but you're staying away from each other until I figure this out. You hear me?"

"Mom, we're living in a tiny cabin together. How are we supposed to stay away from each other?"

"I don't care; just do it! And no more kissing! Now, get off to bed, you two!"

We both made a move toward each other for a good night kiss, but halted under her gaze. He said good night and headed off to his room. I headed off to Melanie's room. I wasn't too worried, and I knew he wasn't either. What could she do? She couldn't keep watch over us 24 hours a day. We could always sneak off, eventually. We had the whole summer together.

The next morning, I asked Mom if I could wear one of her dresses, a sexy, shiny white one. She said I'd get it dirty.

"Please?" I begged. "If I get it dirty I won't ask to wear any more of your dresses all summer. I'll wear Melanie's."

She acquiesced. I put on the dress and some white pumps in Mom's bedroom. I really liked the way I looked in that dress. I couldn't wait for Tom to see me in it. As soon as I slipped it on I knew it was my favorite dress, and I knew it would be Tom's as well.

I sneaked over to Tom bedroom. Mom was waiting for me in front of the hallway that led to his room. I smiled at her.

"I was just---"
   

[Alana]

"You were just sneaking over to see Tom, after I told you not to. Sit down."

I sat down, smoothing my skirt beneath me with one hand. From the bedroom came sounds of someone knocking and banging things around, intentionally making a racket.

"What is he doing?" I asked.

"Packing."

"Packing!"

"I called his father. He'd going home today. Listen, Joanie, I can't allow something like this to go on between you two. It isn't healthy."

"Isn't healthy!" I stood up. "What do you call making me dress like a girl and walk around in pantyhose and high heels? You call that healthy?"

"Sit down, dear."

"No! I'm not going to sit down! Did you tell his Dad the truth about us?"

"I told him you two were having a fight, and he asked to go home early."

"That's not true!"

"Do you want his Dad to hit the roof?"

"You can't keep us apart! We love each other! Are you going to make me dress like a boy, now?"

"Your punishment will continue for the rest of the summer. Where are you going?"

"To say good-bye! At least I get to do that!"

I hurried off to his room. I tried to put on a brave face for my darling. After all, they couldn't keep us apart forever. One day we'd be grown up, and we could get married. I could wear that wedding gown for real.

I opened the door without knocking. He hadn't turned his bedroom light on. It was dim in the room. He was sitting on the bed, packing. I stepped into the shadows. It wasn't easy, but I kept a little half-smile on my face.

"Darling---"
   

[Alana]

"Why do you have to look so beautiful, the last time I ever see you?"

"Don't say that. They can't keep us apart; not forever. We love each other. I love you, darling."

"It seems like forever. The whole summer. Why haven't I ever seen you in that dress before? That's the most gorgeous dress I've ever seen you wear. Except for the wedding gown. You look so radiant! White is your color."

"That's because I'm a virgin."

"You're my virgin."

He stood up and took me into his arms. He kissed me. He held me so close it felt like we were one person.

"Joanie, let's go. Let's get out of here, now. Let's run away, together. Me with just the clothes on my back and the money in my pockets, and you in that dress. You look so beautiful in that dress, I don't ever want you to take it off. Well, maybe for one reason."

"Darling, we can't. What chance do a couple of teenagers have, a boy and a girl alone against the entire world? And I'm not even a real girl."

"Don't say that! Don't you ever say that! If you weren't real I couldn't hold you in my arms and feel your dress against my body. If you weren't real, I couldn't kiss you."

We kissed aggressively.

Then he said, "I want to tell my father the truth about us."

"No! You can't! Please, darling, I'll do anything you want, I'll wear this dress all summer if you want me to, I promise. I'll even wear it to school, to proclaim our love. But you can't tell your father. He wouldn't understand. You must be patient. We'll be together one day, my darling, please, please, just be patient. A love like ours takes strength, and courage. You mustn't tell him, you mustn't, you mustn't!"

"Alright, my love."

We kissed some more, and I said, "Darling, you have to finish packing."

"No."

"Then let me go, and I'll pack for you."

"I can't let go of you."

"Darling, please."

"I won't let go of you! It isn't fair!"

"I know it isn't fair. But we just have to tell ourselves that we'll be together one day. We have the whole rest of our lives together."

He let go of me, and we packed together. There was one little problem when my skirt got caught as he closed the suitcase, but that was soon fixed.

We kissed for awhile longer, sitting on the bed, Tom with his hand up my skirt, then Melinda knocked at the door. I opened it. Melinda had tears in her eyes.

"Tom's Dad's here."

I nodded.

"I can't believe she's doing this to you two," said Melinda. "I hate Mom."

"She's just doing what she thinks right," I said.

"Mom says you have to say here," she said to me.

I nodded, sadly.

"You need to wipe that lipstick off your face," she said to Tom. "And you, sis, you need to put some more on."

I smiled. She had never called me sis before.

He grabbed the suitcase and placed it on the floor by his feet. He held me in his arms and kissed me. Melinda discretely withdrew.

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

"Oh, yes!" I said. "Yes, my darling, a thousand times yes!"

He kissed me again. Then he let go of me, picked up his suitcase, and left.

I sat on his bed and cried. Mom came in to see me. She put one hand on my nylon-covered knee.

"He's gone," she said.

"Mom," I said. "I want to wear this dress every day this summer."

"What? Why?"

"Because it's Tom's favorite dress, and I promised him I would wear it all summer. Every time I wear it, I'll think of our last moment together."

She rolled her eyes.

"Son," she said, "I know that at your age these things seem real, but trust me, with a little perspective you'll see that this is all just a mistake. I wasn't going to do this, but I've reconsidered. I'm going to remove your punishment. You can go back to wearing your regular clothes."

"What do you mean, regular clothes?"

"Pants, of course. I'll drive home today and get your pants and shirts and sneakers and underwear."

"But I'm a girl! I can't wear that stuff!"

"Don't be silly."

"Mom, look at me! I'm a girl! I've been a boy for most of my life and never even had a date, and after one week as a girl I've got a gorgeous boyfriend who wants to marry me! You can't take this away from me!"

"Johnny, this is partly my fault. I didn't realize you'd go a little crazy wearing a bra and girdle all the time. You can wear my dress until I get back, but then you're going back to dressing like a boy."

"No! I'm a girl! I'm a girl on the inside, and one day I'll have the operation and be a girl on the outside! Then Tom and I will get married, and you can't stop us!"

She rolled her eyes, again. It was getting to be an annoying habit.

"Whatever. I'm leaving now to get your clothes. When I get back I want you to take that dress off."

"Mom, you seriously mean I can't wear a dress for the rest of the summer?"

"That's what I've been telling you."

"Well, can I at least wear pantyhose and high heels?"

"No."

"Can I wear a slip?"

"Of course not."

"Can I at least wear a bra?"

"Johnny, you don't have anything to put in a bra."

"But I'm wearing a bra now!"

"Johnny, listen to me. You're a boy. I know it might be hard to remember that when you look in the mirror, but once we get you out of that dress and you take off all the lingerie and pantyhose and high heels and wash off all the make-up, you'll feel better and you'll remember you're a boy. Just think, you won't have to spend all this time worrying about your slip showing or getting a run in your nylons or getting lipstick on your teeth. Won't that be nice?"

"Mom, look at me. I'm a girl! Can't you tell I'm a girl? Look at my face! Look at my legs!"

"Johnny, I'm not going to argue about this. I'm leaving. I'll be back soon."

She left the room. I threw myself back onto Tom's bed in anger. I dug my nose into his pillow. I could smell my darling there in the room with me. My mother wouldn't let us be together, and now she wouldn't let me wear his favorite dress any more.

Five minutes later, my sisters came in. I was sitting on the bed, clutching a pillow to myself and crying.

"Don't cry," said Melissa. "You'll ruin your mascara."

"What's the difference?" I said. "I have to wash it all off anyway! Mom says I have to pretend to be a boy!"

"Mom told us," said Melinda. "While you two were having your talk, I grabbed this from her purse."

She put a credit card down on the nightstand table. I picked it up and looked at it.

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"That's up to you, Joanie. I only know that a great love requires taking a great dare. And if I had a wonderful boyfriend like Tom, I wouldn't waste my time whining about people who don't understand. I would MAKE them understand. And if I made a promise to him I would keep it, no matter what anyone says."

"What promise?"

"Already you forgot the promise you made?"

"You mean, wearing this dress all summer? Did you hear us talking?"

"Heard it? Are you kidding? We taped it!"

"What can I do? Mom says I have to take it off."

"Didn't Tom say something about running away together?"

"But we can't do that? That's crazy!"

"Yeah, That is crazy. I guess you don't love him after all."

I got off the bed and looked at myself in the mirror, adjusted my skirt, and decided what to do.

"Melanie," I said, "do you have a white purse you could let me have?"

"Sure, Joanie."

"Lipstick, mascara, all the essentials?"

"Even some tampons if you need them."

"Go get it, please."

She ran off, and I asked my other two sisters if I could have pen and paper. Melissa ran off to get me a pen and a little notebook to write in.

I sat on a stool, crossed my legs, and wrote:
 

[Alana]

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry, you're asking too much of me. I can't go back to being a boy, and I can't live without Tom. We're running away together. You can't ask me to take this dress off. It's his favorite dress, and I promised him I would wear it all summer. I'm going to keep that promise. This dress is a symbol of our love. To take it off would be to deny that our love ever existed. I know it's really your dress, but you can have my new red dress and red pumps in exchange. Please try to understand, it's absurd to make me pretend to be a boy. I looked in the mirror, and there's just no trace of any boy left.

Good-bye.

Love
 Your daughter, Joanie


My sisters looked at the letter.

Melanie gave me her purse. She told me she'd put my cell phone in there, and all of her own money. I thanked her.

Melissa said, "You can walk to the train station from here."

"All that way, in high heels?"

"Would you rather wear sneakers?"

I shuddered, and shook my head.

Melanie said, "Better pack some dresses in a suitcase, some of mine and some of Mom's. I know what you promised, but it won't always be summer."

"No. I'll barely make it out of here in time as it is. When Mom gets back, tell her I went for a walk or something. Don't show her the note until you absolutely have to."

They agreed. The four of us hugged, our breasts touching.

I could tell my sisters wanted me to do this because they thought it would be really romantic and adventurous and cool. I hoped they were right. I hoped my beloved really liked me in this dress as much as he said, because he would be seeing rather a lot of it.

"Thank you for turning me into a girl," I said.

"You're welcome," said Melissa. "Be worthy of wearing a dress."

"Good-bye, girls," I said.

"Good-bye, girl," said Melinda.

I put the credit card in my purse and left the cabin, my high heels clicking on the hardwood floor, to begin the greatest adventure of my life.
   
I walked to the train station. It was a few miles, and my feet were aching when I got there. I still wasn't used to walking in high heels.

I bought a train ticket, a sandwich to eat on the train, and some perfume. I thought I would need some perfume if I was going to be wearing the same dress all summer. I probably wouldn't have a chance to get it laundered, and I figured I'd start to smell eventually.

When buying my items, I looked around anxiously to see if anyone was staring at me. I still couldn't believe that they actually bought me as a woman. But no one seemed to notice or care.
   

[Alana]

I boarded the train, and as it pulled out I started eating my sandwich. I took a moment to spritz myself with perfume. It was a long journey, and by the time I got back to our home town it was dark out. I took a cab to Tom's house, which pretty well used up the rest of my money.

I hoped Tom was serious about wanting to run away with me, because I was dead broke.

I sneaked around to the back of his house, hoping no one spotted me. I wasn't really dressed for stealth in that white dress.

He had a bedroom on the ground floor. I grabbed a morsel of gravel and tossed it at the window. No response. I did it again until I finally got his attention. He opened the window.

"Tom!"

"Darling! What are you doing here?"

"Were you serious about wanting to run away with me?"

"Of course!"

"Then let's go. I came all the way back here on the train. If we're going to go, we have to go now. My Mom will be back soon, looking for me."

I heard Mr. Johnson, Tom's father, calling his name from the next room. Tom said, quickly, "Meet me at the school entrance at ten o'clock!" and closed the window.

By ten o'clock I was just about starving to death. I paced back and forth at the entrance to the school, waiting for my darling, hoping he wouldn't be late. Finally I saw him. I was never so glad to see anyone in my life.
   

[Alana]

He ran forward and took me into his arms, swept me off the ground and spun me around. He was so romantic. He kissed me. I'd never felt so much love for anyone in my life as I did at that moment.

"You must be starving," he said.

"I've only had a sandwich to eat all day."

"I've got a little money. We'll get ourselves a hamburger."

"I'm not eating anything with ketchup or mustard, or anything that could get on my dress. I have to wear this dress all summer, you know."

"You're actually going to do that?"

"I said I would, didn't I? I'm a woman of my word."

We went to a vegetarian restaurant and had dinner. After dinner, he took out a key and dangled it before my eyes.

"Guess what this is."

"A key."

"To a house, and it's all ours. Well, really all the bank's. But we can live in as long as we want, until somebody buys it."

Tom's father owned a real estate agency, and they kept the keys to a lot of different properties there at the house.

"I sneaked into my Dad's office and grabbed it."

"My knight in shining armor. You've already given me my own castle! Let's go take a look at this place."

The house was nothing to brag about, just a two-bedroom one-floor dwelling in a lousy neighborhood. It was filthy. No one had lived there in a long time. All the furniture was gone, but there was a mattress on the floor, and pillows, and a blanket. It seemed the place had had squatters before.

There were some canned goods in the kitchen. It seemed we could survive for a while. But one of us was going to have to get a job.

He took me in his arms, again.

"It's not much," he said. "But it's all ours."

"And it's filthy. I'm going to see if I can find a broom to clean up this place."

"Why bother? We've got no one to tell us how to live."

"I'm not going to live in a filthy home. We need to get this place cleaned up. Look around and see if you can find an apron. I need to keep my dress from getting dirty."
   

[Alana]

"All right," he said, and chuckled.

I knew that chuckle. He was thinking "just like a woman." And that just made me love him all the more.

We never did find an apron, but there was a broom in the cupboard, and we soon had the place to rights. The electricity wasn't turned on, but I found some candles and matches, and soon the place was lit with a very romantic glow.

It was time for us to go to bed. We blew out all the candles but one. Tom started to get undressed. He stripped down to his underwear.

"Aren't you going to take your dress off?"

"I'm wearing this dress all summer, remember?"

"But you don't have to sleep in it!"

"When I say I'm doing something, I do it. Besides, we're in a desperate situation, here. We need all the good karma we can get."

"OK. If you think that will give us good karma. High heels, too? To bed?"

"Sure."

"I hope you don't injure me with those shoes."

We got into bed together, he blew out the candle, and we laid there next to each other in silence. I giggled a little.

"What's funny?"

I said, "I was just thinking what I would say if someone told me a year ago that I'd be lying here in a sexy white dress, wearing pantyhose and a bra and a girdle, snuggling up next to my boyfriend. I would've said they were crazy."

"And what do you think, now?"

"Now I think maybe I'm crazy. And maybe you are, too."

"I fell in love with a beautiful girl. What's crazy about that?"

"Thank you, darling," I said.

We were silent for a while, then Tom murmured, "Joanie."

"Yes?"

"Feel that."

He took my hand and put it on his pen-is. I removed my hand and shrank away from him.

"That's what you do to me," he said.

"Tom, don't be gross!"

"Oh come on, Joanie, we're not children. We're lovers. This is for real. This is what men and women do."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"I expect you to use your mouth to make me happy."

"No!"

"Joanie, most girls learn to love it, once they try it."

"Not this girl."

"Darling, what did you think this was going to be like? Did you think I'd be satisfied just kissing you, like in a Disney movie?"

"I just can't do it, Tom. I just can't do it."

"Please tell me you'll think about it."

"No."

"But I've given up everything for you!"

"And I've given up everything for you, but I'm not going to do that. If you can't live with that, you should leave, right now. Do you really love me, or am I just a plaything to you?"

He was silent, thinking it over.

Finally he said, "All right. But I won't stop asking. And you're going to change your mind one day. Because I know you love me. Come here. Come closer."

I snuggled up close to my lover, and we fell asleep together.

I awoke in the night with an urgent need to relieve myself. I looked around for Tom. He was nowhere to be seen. I had a moment of panic, thinking he had abandoned me. I got up, lit a candle, and went to the bathroom.

As soon as I opened the door I heard, "Close the door! Close the door!"

I quickly slammed it shut. I waited. I had caught a glimpse of what he was doing in there.

When he came out, I said, "I'm sorry."

He looked at me, ashamed and embarrassed.

"You just don't know what you do to me. In that silky dress, your sexy legs in pantyhose brushing up against me. Do you know how long it's been since I've had to do that? How many different girls I could call up right now that would come over and do what you wouldn't?"

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

"I really do love you, you know. But please say you'll think about it."

"All right. I'll think about it. Now let's get back to bed."

In the morning we were awakened by the slanting rays of sunlight coming in the window, and by a woman opening the front door with a key. She came in and saw us lying there. I stood up and straightened my dress, which was wrinkled. Tom remained beneath the blanket.

"Terrific," she said. "More squatters. I just got rid of the last bunch."

"Hello," I said. "My name's Joanie. This is Tom."

"I really don't care what your name is, my dear. I want you out of here. But I'll settle for making yourself scarce when I have a buyer coming to look at the place. If I ever get a buyer for this dump."

"I suppose we could make ourselves scarce," said Tom, rubbing his eyes, "in exchange for some more canned goods."

"Oh, sure. Why not? I'll get you some more Spam and fruit coc-ktail. How did you two get in here, anyway? Oh, never mind, it doesn't matter. I've got to say, you two have done a much better job keeping the place clean than the last band of gypsies coming through here. Well, I'll get you your food. I might have a buyer next week coming to look at the place. I expect you to keep your word."

"Just tell us when," I said.

As she turned to leave, she said, "Listen, do you know, and I don't know why you would, but do you know of anyone who does secretarial work? I need someone highly qualified, someone who takes dictation and does typing and filing. My girl quit, and I've been surviving on temps for a month now."

"Three hundred words a minute OK?" I asked.

"Dictation or typing?"

"Both."

"That would be phenomenal! I haven't had a temp who came anywhere near that! Who's the girl?"

"Me."

"You're kidding! And you're squatting in a foreclosed home?"

"Have you picked up a paper in the last three years? We're in a recession."

"Believe me, that's not news to me. OK, drop by Monday morning around ten and I'll give you a try-out."

She gave me her business card. Her name was Gladys Henderson. Tom stood up and took a look at the card.

As soon as she left, I threw my arms around Tom's neck.

"Does God love us or what!" I exclaimed. "I didn't even have to look for a job! It came right through the door!"

"Now you have just twenty-four hours to learn typing and short-hand."

"I don't have to learn those things. I took typing and shorthand at summer school last year."

"You are amazing," he said.

"I know. But won't your father be where I'm working? He might recognize me."

Tom took another look at the card, and said, "No, that's not his main branch. He might visit from time to time, but I think you'll be safe."

We spent the day strolling through the park, holding hands, doing things lovers do. I did some window shopping, looking at all the lovely dresses I would buy with my first paycheck. Then I kept reminding myself I couldn't wear them until summer was over. I was wearing the only dress I would ever wear for the whole summer.

I said to Tom, "As soon as Labor Day comes, I'm buying that dress!" I was staring at a lovely floral chiffon frock.

Tom chuckled. I was being just like a woman, again. I melted into his embrace.

That evening we were lying on the mattress, kissing, and Tom kept pushing my head down into his lap.

"Stop it!" I said.

"Can't blame a guy for trying."

And that night I heard him in the bathroom again, going at it.

Monday morning I took what little money we had left and got on the bus to Gladys Henderson's office. She didn't waste any time. She gave me a pen and a steno pad and dictated a letter to me. She went fast, and I struggled to write it all out in shorthand. She asked me to read it back to her. I did, and I got it all perfect, word for word.

"Wow," she said. "That's very impressive. You're amazing."

I looked rather pleased with myself.