My Summer as a Girl

[Alana]

"Oh, Joanie, not this again! I'm trying! You think it's easy, with no high school diploma?"

"I got a job."

"You were lucky. Why do you have to be such a nag?"

"I'm not a nag!"

"Yes, you are. Just go, already."

I took the bus to work. Everybody loved my dress. The men gave me no end of compliments. It was slowly becoming obvious to me that I was a favorite among the men of the office. They took some occasional glances at the other secretaries, but they leered at me so intently I could almost feel their eyes upon me as I walked past. If they only knew!

I loved it. I started to say and do little things to flirt with them. I loved their attention. No girl had ever glanced at me when I was a boy, but as a woman I had more attention than I knew what to do with.

Mrs. Henderson lost no time in calling me in for some dictation in the morning.

She didn't say a word about my dress until she'd finished dictating the letter.

"Lovely dress, Joanie. See, it's not so bad wearing a different dress to work, is it?"
   

[Alana]

"I suppose not."

"Where'd you get it?"

I had to think. I had not the slightest idea where Mom had bought the dress I was wearing. I tried to think of the name of a dress store, but I was coming up blank.

"Um...Ebay?"

"Ebay! You bought something on Ebay just last night? How'd you get it delivered?"

"Um, no, sorry, not Ebay. It was...what's that place that has all the used clothing?"

"Salvation Army?"

"That's it."

"Look, Joanie, if you don't want to tell where you bought it, that's fine."

"No, no, it was Salvation Army."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"By the way, I got a complaint from HR. You haven't given them a copy of your birth certificate, yet."

"Oh. Mrs. Henderson, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's complicated."

"What's the problem, Joanie?"

"There's someone who's looking for me. I'm sort of in hiding."

"Oh, no! Joanie, are you in danger? Is this an old boyfriend after you or something? Someone who beat you?"

"No. I mean...uh...yes. That's it. He's a cop. If I get a job under my real name, he'll find me."

"Oh, Joanie, you poor girl! This isn't the guy I saw you with in the house, is it?"

"No. Someone else."

"You poor dear. OK, I'll talk to HR. I'll straighten it out. Don't worry."

"Thank you Mrs. Henderson. I really owe you a lot."

I went home that night determined not to nag Tom about finding a job. Instead, we went out to dinner together. We dined at a spaghetti restaurant. I ate so much I wanted to take off my girdle right there at the table.

Monday morning I couldn't resist putting on one of Melanie's sexy, short dresses. Tom practically drooled at the sight of me. I made the mistake of saying that the guys at the office would go crazy when they saw me in this dress.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Just what I said. The men at work like looking at me and flirting."

"Well, you don't flirt back, do you?"

"A little. Sometimes."

"Why do you have to do that? Aren't I enough for you?"

"Oh, come on! You're jealous? You? After all the other girlfriends you've had?"

"Well, I don't have any other girlfriends, now. And I don't go around flirting with other women. Have you at least told them about me?"

"No. It hasn't come up."

"What are you going to do if some guy asks you out?"

"I'm going to politely say no."

"And then he'll get all pissed off because you led him on!"

"Honey, this is just what goes on at offices. It doesn't mean anything! You don't understand how these places are."

"Oh, all of a sudden you're a woman of the world 'cause you worked at an office for a week! All of a sudden you know everything!"

I came closer to him. I said, "Darling, why are we like this? It seems all we ever do is fight these days. I knew this would happen as soon as I took off my white dress."

"Oh, this has nothing to do with you taking off any dress! This is about you dressing like some little hoochie momma and shaking it for a bunch of sleazy guys at work! If you're going to do that, why don't you just become a stripper!"

"I am not a stripper!" I said angrily. "I don't shake anything! I'm a secretary, and I work hard all day, and if I can make the day go by just a little bit faster with some innocent flirting, I'm damn well going to do it!"

I grabbed my purse and stormed out the door.

I calmed down by the time I got to work. The first guy who saw me in that dress actually dropped a load of papers on the floor. I saw his mouth silently make the word "Wow." And that was one of the more subtle reactions.

Mrs. Henderson didn't call me in for dictation until the afternoon. In the morning I had plenty of paperwork and typing to take care of, and there were guys finding excuses to pass by my cubicle all day long and take a look at my legs. When I got up to refill my coffee cup, I'd always walk slowly so the guys could get a good look. I'd never felt so special.

When Mrs. Henderson called me in, I could tell she was pissed off. She went ahead and dictated the letter, and when she was done I asked, "Anything else?"
   

[Alana]

"Yes. Might I ask what in the hell you think you're wearing?"

"Oh, not this again!" I complained. "Haven't you got anything better to do than whine about what I wear to work?"
   

[Alana]

As I spoke, one of the men passed by the office, craning his neck to get a look at me through the window.

"I won't have you being a disruptive influence in this office. I've seen what's happened today. The men haven't gotten any work done."

"That's their fault; not mine."

"Joanie, trust me, you're playing with fire, here. The next thing you know, some guy's going to have you up against the file cabinet with his hand up your skirt, and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself."

"How about blaming the guy with his hand up my skirt?'

"Joanie, I'm not going to argue about this. As long as you're working here, you will maintain proper business attire, and that means skirts no more than half an inch above the knee."

I stood up and said, "Are these rules written down anywhere?"

"You want 'em written down? Here." She grabbed a piece of paper, and wrote on it: Don't Be a Slut!

I crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it away. I was grumpy all the rest of the day, and grumpy when I got back home. Tom asked me what was wrong, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of telling him that someone else agreed with him.

The next day I went back to wearing my mother's dresses. I put on a girly floral dress with an acceptably long skirt. It was so colorful and feminine, I was in a good mood as soon as I put it on. I said goodbye to Tom and just about danced out the door in my pretty dress.

My good mood didn't last long. Mrs. Henderson wanted me to carry several dozen heavy files all the way upstairs to the third floor. We had no elevator, and it was going to be a miserable job. I thought of all the strong men out there who could do a job like this without strain, and it just didn't seem fair that I had to do it all myself. I thought about how much they all liked flirting with me. Why shouldn't I get some help from them? And without even asking for it.

For a young, pretty girl, men are no problem. They are the answer. Particularly if you know how to properly use them.

I took some of the smallest files in my arms and headed in the general direction of the stairs, making sure to pass close to where the men were congregating. Right in front of them, I tripped on my high heels and spilled the files all over the floor.
   

[Alana]

The men came running. Some of them picked up the files, while the largest of them extended a hand and lifted me to my feet. I let myself fall against him just a little bit as I steadied myself.

"Thank you," I said sweetly. "I have all these files I have to take up to the third floor. I don't know how I'll ever be able to do it. They're all much too heavy for a girl like me."

"Where are they?" asked the guy who had helped me to my feet. "We'll do it."

"Oh, no, I couldn't accept any help. It's too big a job."

"Where are they?"

So I wound up at the head of a parade, carrying a small file myself, just for show. The parade wound up the stairs and into the storage room, and the job was done in no time.

When I got back, of course Mrs. Henderson had something to say about it.

"Joanie, when I give you a job I intend for you to do that job by yourself."

"I never asked for any help."

"No, of course you didn't. I saw what happened. Do you think it's cute to manipulate guys like that?"

"I don't know. But it sure is fun."

"You perpetuate a stereotype of women as being helpless, unable to do things for ourselves."

"So why didn't you move the files yourself, then?"

"Joanie, I'm telling you once again, men don't do these things for free. One of these days, one of them is going to expect something from you. Then you'll be sorry."

"I doubt it."

"I don't care if you doubt it or not! I'm telling you, no more flirting to get out of work! Got it?"

"Yes. Anything else?"

"No. That'll do, for now."

I went home in a bad mood. Every day it was something. And when I told Tom about it, he just got all pissy about it. I don't know who was worse, Tom or my boss.

The next day I put on a tight blue and white dress. I needed Tom's help getting into it. It had a tight skirt, and I was only going to be able to take half a stride. All day long it would take me twice as long to get anywhere. But it did feel kind of sexy to be so tightly encased in a dress. Almost like having Tom's arms around me all day.

The skirt was the proper length, but still, I was sure Mrs. Henderson would find some reason to complain about it. But she had no objections.

Trouble was, I had nothing to do. I'd finished up the last of the paperwork the day before. I waited for her to call me in for some dictation. I waited a long time. Finally I just knocked on her door.

I went in, and asked, "What's on tap for today?"
   

[Alana]

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What do you mean nothing?"

"You're a good worker, Joanie. We were months behind when you got here. But now we're caught up. For the moment, we've got nothing to do."

"Well, can I go home, then?"

"No, of course you can't go home! You're paid to be here. You can't just leave."

"Why not, if there's nothing to do?"

"Some paperwork might come in from another office."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"That's why we have the internet."

I went back to my cubicle. This was amazing to me, that people in an office could just be paid to sit around doing nothing. At school they tried to convince me that work was like a factory, that if I was caught wasting time or messing around I'd be fired. Clearly the teachers who told me this didn't know what they were talking about. But how could they? They were teachers. They'd never worked in an office. They were trapped in academia and knew nothing about real life.

I thought about all the workers I'd seen around the office who never seemed to be doing anything but looking at the internet. Were there workers in the office who literally never did anything? Was I about to become one of them?

I sat down, crossed my legs, and started surfing the web. I'd spent a few hours on the internet occasionally, but I couldn't imagine spending all day looking at sites and videos and forums. After a couple of hours I was bored out of my mind. I kept begging for some work to come in, but it never did.

I was exhausted by the end of the day, having nothing to do but surf the web. I came home and collapsed in the chair. I put my feet in Tom's lap, he took off my high heels and proceeded to rub my toes. It felt good.

"I can barely keep my eyes open," I moaned. "That was the longest day I ever spent."

"What were you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"There was nothing to do. Hardest work I ever did. I'm exhausted."

"So if you did nothing, you got to sit down all day?"

"That's right."

"So why am I rubbing your feet?"

"Did you get a job today?"

"No."

"Then rub."

The next morning I put on a black and maroon dress with a full skirt. As soon as I got to work, Mrs. Henderson lost no time in calling me in to her office.

"You wore that dress just to challenge me, didn't you?"

"Yes that's right, Mrs. Henderson, that's the only reason I put on this dress today. That's the only reason I do anything; to piss you off. Would you mind telling me what the hell is wrong with my dress?"

"You know darn well it's so sheer that everybody can see your slip."

I hadn't noticed. I took a look at my dress. It was pretty sheer.
   

[Alana]

"You never said a word to me about wearing a sheer dress!"

"I never said anything about coming to work naked, either. Are you doing that tomorrow?"

"Not likely. So what am I supposed to do? Go home and change?"

"No, there's no time for that. Wear it today, but I don't ever want to see you coming to work in that dress again."

"But this is my favorite dress!"

That was true enough, insofar as whatever dress I had on was usually my favorite dress at the time, especially if it was the first time I ever wore it.

"Joanie, I'm not going to argue about this."

I stomped angrily out of the office. I saw that I finally had some work to do, today. I would make sure to pace myself and not work too fast, and save some work for tomorrow, just in case. I didn't think I could stand another do-nothing day. I went off to the break room to get a cup of coffee, muttering under my breath about my lousy boss who wouldn't let me wear what I wanted. My stomping caused one of my high heeled shoes to come loose. I bent down to fix it.

"Need some help there, Cinderella?"

I looked up and smiled.