Honorary Woman

[Alana]

Norman sat down and crossed his legs, not even bothering to smooth his skirt beneath him. It wasn’t necessary in that tight dress.

Jim sat next to him, as close as humanly possible. He put his arm around Norman’s shoulders.

Norman smiled. He thought to himself, “He is really going all the way with this bit. But I bet he doesn’t try to kiss me. He wouldn’t have the nerve to do that.”

“You look very sexy in that dress,” said Jim. “Your legs are incredible.”

“Thank you.”

With his free hand, Jim started to stroke Norman’s leg. It did feel kind of sexy, in pantyhose. Norman wondered if the other guys were hiding in a closet somewhere, listening.

“You know,” said Jim, “I don’t think either of us can deny that there’s a certain attraction between us.”

“I’m sorry, Jim, but I’m going to be the one to deny it. I’m just not attracted to you. I’m sorry.”

He removed his hand from Norman’s leg.

“Oh,” he said.

“And I’m a married woman.”

“Oh.”

“Jim, I’m sure there’s a woman out there for you somewhere. Maybe there’s a ‘Lonely Hearts’ club here in town you could join.”

“Norma, I’m not the kind of guy who has any trouble getting dates.”

“Whatever you say, Jim. I should go.”

He got up and grabbed his purse.

“But I hope this isn’t the end of the flirting between us,” said Norman. “At work, I mean. It’s just a little harmless fun. I really like it when you slap my rump like that, especially in front of the girls. It’s fun.”

“As long as you wear dresses like that, I won’t be able to help myself.”

“Good night, Jim. I’m sorry you took our flirting seriously.”

“Good night.”

Norman left, but paused to peek in the window before walking home, expecting to see the other guys making an appearance. But all he saw was Jim sitting by himself.

Norman laughed out loud on the way home. Jim was really taking this thing as far as it would go.

But maybe he was serious?

In either case, Norman bought some new short dresses to wear to work. He found a green polka dot dress with a short skirt that was the perfect combination of girly and sexy. The next day he encountered Jim as soon as he got to work.

“Hi, Jim? How do you like my new dress?” he asked. There was a window open, and it was a little too breezy. He had some difficulty holding down his skirt.
   

[Alana]

“You are so sexy,” responded Jim. “I wish all the women in this office were as sexy as you are. By the way, your slip is showing.”

“Oh, sorry.”

And Norman would make sure to present his ass to be slapped. Always right in front of the women in the office.
   

[Alana]

After a few days of this, the women all showed up together at his cubicle.

“Norma, we want to talk to you about this. About Jim.”

“What about Jim?”

“We don’t like the way he’s been treating you. It’s not funny.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“We feel he’s creating a hostile work environment.”

“Look, if there’s any complaining to be done around here, it seems to me I’m the one who’s supposed to be doing it, not you.”

“We want you to file a complaint. Sexual harassment.”

“It’s just a little harmless flirting.”

“Slapping you on the rump is not harmless flirting! It’s degrading!”

“Sometimes it can be kind of fun to be degraded.”

“I can’t believe you said that! You’re just siding with him because he’s a man!”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what it means! Norma, we have had to put up with seeing you in the Ladies Room and borrowing our lipstick and everything else, and we haven’t complained because you’re willing to commit to being a woman. Well, it’s time to show some solidarity with the other women in the office. You need to decide right now: are you a woman or are you a man?”

“I’m a woman. But that doesn’t mean I have to be exactly the same sort of woman you are. That doesn’t mean all women are the same, or that we all have to agree on everything. If you want to go forward with a complaint against Jim, go ahead, but do it without me. I say it’s just some harmless fun, and that’s exactly what it is.”

They left in a huff, and Norman went back to work.

Saturday was the picnic. Norman was as good as his word. He picked out a lovely green floral dress that was too girly for even him to wear to work, and he wore it with petticoats. Melissa wore a lovely yellow chiffon dress that made him drool. He had to try it on.

They spread down a blanket on the grass so as not to get grass stains on their dresses. There was a stiff breeze blowing, and both of them had a little trouble keeping their skirts down.

“Norma, dear, your petticoats are showing!” said Melissa.
   

[Alana]

“Sorry, Missy,” he said, adjusting his skirt. “I had this same problem on the camping trip.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, didn’t I tell you about it?” He related the story, and Melissa laughed.

“I would’ve loved to see their faces!” she said.

They both had to eat more or less one-handed, holding down their skirts with the other hand. They were beginning to think this picnic was not such a good idea.

“You look beautiful today,” said Norman. He usually preferred to receive the first compliment, but he felt Melissa had outdone him that day in point of girliness, and it was only fair that he acknowledge it.

“Thank you, dear. You look beautiful, too. Your dress is darling!”

“Thank you. I love yours. I hope this is another day when we’ll be trying on each other’s dresses. I can’t wait to see what I look like in yellow chiffon.”

“I can’t wait to try on yours.”

“Was it a mistake to wear petticoats today?”

“No, of course not. Of course, I think the mistake was that sexy black dress you wore the last time I saw you.”

“Not this again. It doesn’t hurt to wear something a little sexy now and then, Missy. You can still be ladylike in a sexy dress. I bet Don wouldn’t mind seeing you in something sexy occasionally.”

“Oh, don’t talk to me about Don! That man has been making me so mad lately! I swear, sometimes I just wonder what men are thinking! Don’t you? Wouldn’t you like to be a man just once, just to find out---“

She put her hand to her mouth, but Norman just laughed.

“Who, me?” he asked, putting one hand flatly against his chest. “Oh, no! I enjoy being a girl! I wouldn’t want to be a man for a minute! If I were a man, could I get away with wearing a beautiful dress like this? I don’t think so.”

She laughed.

“Can you imagine a man wearing that dress?” she said. “He’d look ridiculous! It takes a real girly girl like you to look pretty in a dress like that.”

“Thank you. Speaking of sexy dresses, could we stop by ‘Better Dresses’ on the way home? I have to pick up my new coc-ktail dress.”

Mary and Norman’s anniversary was coming up, and they had a reservation at the only decent French restaurant in town. So, naturally, Norman had ordered a brand new sparkly black coc-ktail dress to wear.

A few days before the big event, Mary said to Norman, “Look, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. This is our anniversary, and you will wear a suit and tie, and no lingerie, and no high heels, and no make-up. If you want to wear pantyhose that’s fine, as long as nobody sees it.”

“We’ll see.”

“No, there’s no ‘we’ll see.’ Do it! It won’t kill you to be a man for one day. It’s our anniversary!”

On the day in question, Mary came out of the bedroom after getting ready, and there was Norman sitting there in his brand new coc-ktail dress.
   

[Alana]

“What are you doing in that dress? I told you to wear a suit and tie!”

He stood up and said, “Oh, I did better than that. I bought a brand new dress for our date.”
   

[Alana]

“Oh, what kind of a date is it going to be with both of us in dresses? I went to the trouble of getting one of your suits out of storage. What happened to it?”

“I put it back in storage where it belongs.”

“How am I supposed to be romantic with you when you’re in a dress? Everyone’s going to be laughing at us!”

“I’m sure they won’t. Let’s just go.”

“No. I married Norman. I’m not going anywhere with Norma.”

“OK, suit yourself.”

“No, YOU suit yourself.”

“It’d be a shame to waste our reservations, and even more of a shame to waste this dress.”

He picked up the phone and called Jim.

“Hello, Jim, this is Norma. No, everything’s fine. Oh, thank you. Thank you! You are so sweet! Listen, I have this reservation at ‘La Petite Maison’ and Mary suddenly decided she didn’t want to go. Oh, who knows? She’s being funny about something. So, I thought the two of us could go together. Yes, like a date. You are going to love my dress!”

Mary grabbed the phone and said into it, “Never mind, Jim. I’m going.” She hung up. She said to her husband, “Would you actually go on a date with that guy? With everyone watching?”

“Why not, if you won’t go?”

“Norma, I have to put up with women saying a lot of embarrassing stuff to me, but this is just too much. Everyone already assumes you’re gay, and you want to prove it to them, in front of everyone.”

“Do I look like someone who cares what people think?”

“Wait just one second,” she said. She went into the bedroom, and emerged a few minutes later in a pantsuit.

“One of us might as well wear pants,” she said.

“I will never understand why women wear pants. All the things men get to do that we don’t, why should we give up one of the few thing we get to do that men don’t? I would never wear pants.”

“Alright, let’s get this over with. This is going to be humiliating.”

They drove to the restaurant, and as soon as they entered all eyes were upon them. The women giggled and the men snickered. The waiter showed them to their table and held their chairs for both of them, Norman’s first.

The waiter took Mary’s order. Then he turned to Norman and said, “And for the lady?”

Norman smiled sweetly and gave his order.

“I hate this,” she said. “Everyone is looking at us. Laughing at us. At you. How could you do this to me on our anniversary? One little thing, I asked you. One little thing. Dress like a man. For most husbands that wouldn’t be much of a problem, but oh no, not you! You have to wear a dress. I know how much you love annoying people, but why do you have to annoy me? I’m your wife! You are so selfish; you can’t ever do anything for me. And you get away with it because I’m addicted to sex and can’t go a night without it. I have nothing to hold over you. Nothing! If I just had one little secret of yours, something I could threaten to reveal. But what secret could be bigger than the fact that you wear dresses?”

“That’s hardly a secret. By the way, your pantsuit is very nice.”

“Oh, so I’m supposed to tell you your dress is pretty, am I? Well, forget it!”

“Don’t you like it?”

“That’s not the point! Oh, why do I bother?”

“I have no idea. Excuse me; I need to use the Ladies Room.”

He got up, and left his purse at the table. Mary stared around the room at all the other diners peeking at her. They all looked away. There was a drunk guy at the bar, Mr. MacHenry, a very important man in town. When Norman came back from the Ladies Room, Mary saw him get up and stagger over to their table. He stopped Norman from sitting down.

“Hey there, Norma,” he said. “Why don’t you dump your friend and let’s you and me go paint the town red?”

“No thank you. Excuse me, I need to sit down.”

“No, I don’t think you need to sit down. I think you’re coming with me.” He grabbed Norman by the wrist.

“Let me go!”

“Come on, Norma, you look beautiful in that sexy dress. Let me take it off you in a nice motel room.”

“No! Let go of me! We’re having our anniversary!”

“You can’t walk around in a slutty dress like that and not put out! Who do you think you are?”

He grabbed at Norman’s skirt.

“Let me go! You’ll rip my dress!”

Norman slapped his face, but it didn’t stop him.

Mary was content to watch until she saw her husband forced against the wall, with MacHenry putting his hand up her husband’s skirt. She grabbed one of the waiters and said, “What are you doing? Stop him?”

“Ma’am, that’s Mr. MacHenry the bank president. He could foreclose on this place in a heartbeat.”

Mary grabbed Norman’s purse, looking for something, some pepper spray or something she could use. She found some dental floss, quickly wrapped it around her hands, looped it around MacHenry’s neck and yanked him away from Norman.

“Get away from my husband! Get your hand out of his skirt!”

There was a big brouhaha. Waiters came from all over. MacHenry was gasping for breath, holding his throat.

One of the waiters said to Norman, “Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you to go.”

“What about him?” asked Norman.

“Only if he wants to.”

Mary complained, but Norman resignedly picked up his purse and left. Mary followed.

They walked to the park, which was deserted, and sat on a bench.

“I hope you’re not going to blame this on me, are you?” asked Norman.

“No,” she said, and laughed. “If nothing else, you got to experience some of the not so fun aspects of being a woman. Wasn’t so much fun tonight, was it? Are you OK?”

He looked down at his dress.

“I’m fine. I was so scared he was going to rip my dress, and I just bought it. Good thing I wear pantyhose or I could be dealing with a busted garter right now.”
   

[Alana]

“I’ve got to tell you, if you weren’t my husband, and if you weren’t a man and all, and if I didn’t really disapprove of you wearing dresses because you’re my husband and because you’re a man and all, and if I were a lesbian, and if you were a woman, which, let’s face it, you pretty much are by this time, I would be so turned on looking at you right now, because you look so sexy in that dress, and you have such pretty legs, and you are such a beautiful woman, Norma. You are so beautiful!”

“Thank you,” he said.

“You know, it wasn’t that long ago you would’ve cleaned that guy’s clock for him. Back when you were a man. So I guess now you’re just too feminine to stand up for yourself, is that it? I thought you were all about confronting the stereotype of the helpless woman.”

“I slapped his face.”

She laughed and said, “Hell of an anniversary. I wish I knew why you’re doing this. Don’t you ever get tired of everybody laughing at you like you’re a fool? I try to support you, Norma, but the things I’ve gone through for you! You know, they kicked me out of the garden club because of you.”

“They did? Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What’s the point? You wouldn’t have given up wearing dresses, would you?”

“No, but I can get Melissa to get you back in. This town is like a big high school. The popular ones control everything. Hey, I’ve got an idea. How about next anniversary we have a service reaffirming our wedding vows?”

“With you in a wedding gown, of course.”

“Of course.”

“Do I get to wear one, too?”

“If you like.”

“Norma, please promise me that you’ll go back to dressing like a man next year when you lose your title.”

“I promise. But only if I lose. And I’m going to win.”

“Sure you are.” She yawned and said, “I really do love you, Norman. Even if you do wear dresses. And pantyhose. And high heels. And a bra. And a girdle. And a slip. And lipstick. And panties. Life with you is never boring.”

“I love you too, Mary.”

“But you love your dresses more.”

Music was coming from somewhere across the street. Mary stood and held out a hand to her husband.

“Join me in an anniversary dance, m’lady.”

“Only if you lead,” he said.

“Naturally.”

They dance for a while until the music stopped, then Norman picked up his purse and they went home. The phone was ringing when they got there. Norman answered it.

“Oh, hi Missy. Oh, you heard, did you? News travels fast in a small town. No, I’m fine. He was only kidding around. I’m just worried MacHenry is going to make a big stink about it. No, Melissa, it’s OK, you don’t have to come over. I’m fine, really. Well, OK, if you want to.”

He hung up and said, “It’s Melissa! I’ve got to get out of this dress!”

“What? Why?”

“She hates seeing me in anything sexy. I’ve got a new floral dress she’ll love.”

“So you’ll dress up special for her but not for me?”

“We need a favor from her. Best not to set her off. Help me out of this dress!”

Together, they got him out of the sparkly black coc-ktail dress and into a nice, girly floral dress with a pleated skirt. He asked Mary to answer the door when she came, so he could make a big entrance out of the bedroom.

When Melissa arrived, he entered grandly and said, “Oh, hi Missy. Like my new dress?”