The Memoirs of EmilyDin (repaired 2016)

[EmilyDin]

Chapter 1: The Earliest Memory

This is a true recounting of the life to date of Emily; a life filled with much joy, sorrow, and confusion.  All that you read here accurately portrays Emily’s life to the best of her memory. Even most of her early memories are pretty vivid and it is with these memories that we begin…

… in the home of a “Miss Pam”, a young lady in her mid 30s and of average build and height. With her stay a group of 11 young children aged 3-7, the younger all day and the older arriving after the school day ends. On this particular day the school age children have recently arrived at the house to find Miss Pam in a particularly foul mood. While they unpack their things and begin the afternoon routine, shouts from Miss Pam can be heard from the far side of the house. The children look at each other and rush over to observe the commotion. There she stands with a 5 year old whose life is about to change forever. Here, in this house, on this grey afternoon, with 10 friends and 1 frustrated care taker, Emily recounts her first memory:

    I remember looking up into Ms. Pam’s eyes. She was wagging her finger at me and talking to me in a loud voice. It was very strange. We were in the bathroom and I had no clothes on.  “I just can’t believe it!” she was saying. “I thought my days of taking care of babies like you were over. Do you even know why you did that? Were you just being silly or are you really just like a little baby?”

I stood there silently, staring down at my bare feet in shame as she continued talking to me. I knew I was in trouble and there was nothing I could do about it. The shadows of my friends could be seen through the crack of the door as they crept closer.  I recall the cold and that shaking feeling you get in your legs when you know you’re about to “get it.” I thought about my predicament. Ms. Pam towering in front of me, no place to hide. My friends leering behind me, nowhere to run. What could I say to make it better? “Sorry” or perhaps “I won’t do it again” No, neither seemed right.

“Are you even listening?” came a scream from in front of me, yanking me from my thought with such a startle that I fell backwards. And then silence. An eternity passed… Ms. Pam sighing, her hand covering her eyes and forehead. 10 eyeballs could be seen in the door crack though not the slightest sound of breathing could be heard. Finally Ms. Pam stepped over me heading towards the door as a thunder echoed from the hallway.

It should be noted that Miss Pam is not by any means a “mean” person. This particular day must have been going poorly and like most of us adults who arrive at the “end of the rope,” Ms. Pam proceeded to attempt something unorthodox to correct the situation. Her … unique choice would forever impact Emily’s life.

Everything that happened next happened in slow motion. Ms. Pam returned to the bathroom with a small bundle of items. While I was not paying any particular attention to what was happening, 10 heads could be seen protruding from various doorways and corners down the hall.  My attention quickly returned to Ms. Pam as she lifted me off the floor and placed me lying down on top the floor mat.

“I guess if you are going to choose to act like a baby then I will just have to treat you as one,” she began as she started laying items next to me. I chose a spot on the ceiling and stared at it. I couldn’t bare to watch Ms. Pam. While I knew she did not believe in giving spankings, I could not begin to fathom what she might have in store for me. 

My feet were lifted up and something soft was placed under me. I heard crinkling as something was drawn up between my legs and settled over my stomach. There were two tearing noises followed by the feeling of something grasping my waist. “Sit up,” Ms. Pam commanded.

As I sat up I caught the gaze of the other children down the hallway. Mouths hung open in disbelief. Their eyes did not waver from me and echoed feelings of shock, sympathy, and fear.  The reality of what happened sank in as I looked down. I was wearing a diaper.

“I just don’t understand you sometimes. Maybe this will help. Unfortunately you don’t have any extra clothes to wear and I can’t have you borrowing from one of the other children only to soil their clothes too. So I had find you something to wear from my sewing projects… and you had better not complain about it because you’re not wearing anything else. ”

Ms. Pam began to pull a shirt over my head, only it wasn’t like any other shirt I had ever worn before.  It was longer than my shirts, reaching down to just below my waist,  had buttons in the back that I could not reach, and had these strange “puffs” at the top of the sleeves.  Ms. Pam stood up, walked into the hallway and spoke to no one in particular, all 10 heads having previously retreated into hiding. “The first person to laugh will wear the same thing! Understood?” Echos of “Yes mam” could be heard from the different rooms of the hallway as she walked off to her own room.

 I stood up, the diaper pushing my legs slightly apart and for the first time caught the glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I remember thinking at first that these were odd clothes but that feeling soon faded. There was nothing odd about them; they were my clothes. Even the diaper did not feel out of place. Nothing about it felt wrong. My friends ran over to give me words of comfort and reassurance but I was neither embarrassed nor sad. I was wearing my pink shirt and my diaper and I was all smiles. Something about my existence in the world fell into place right then. For the first time in my life, I was actually looking into a mirror and recognizing myself. I was happy. It was good.

Emily played the rest of the day in her clothes with a more joyful attitude than she was typically known for, a sight that puzzled Ms. Pam.  None of her friends commented further about it and their day went on like normal. Later an adult came to pickup Emily who overheard the conversation with Ms. Pam.

“Why is he in a diaper?” the lady asked.

Ms. Pam went into detail about the afternoon’s earlier events, the lady nodding and occasionally peering down at me. “I just didn’t know what else to do,” Ms. Pam concluded. The lady walked over to where I was standing and looked down into my smiling face.

“Well aren’t you a little too happy after everything that’s happened?” she asked.

“Actually he didn’t complain at all,” Ms. Pam replied for me. “He just smiled and played with the other children all afternoon.” Ms. Pam came closer examining me head to toe. “Maybe it was a good thing for him. I don’t know,” she sighed.

“Okay,” the lady remarked after a brief pause. “Let’s get you home and back into your regular clothes.” She took me by the hand and we left.

Emily remembers little of what happened that evening. She does know she never wet her diaper and she never saw her shirt again. But that afternoon’s events had been etched into her brain forever and awoken something inside her she never knew existed.

Chapter 2: Self Aware

The incident at Ms. Pam’s house created a new self awareness for Emily. After that day things were never quite the same. At school Emily noticed all the pretty things the girls wore. Beautiful dresses, skirts and blouses, skorts, pretty shorts and pants… all things Emily realized she had seen all year long but apparently had never noticed. She wished she could buy clothes like that. In fact, Emily loved to take trips to Wal-Mart. She loved to walk down the aisle with all the baby things: Diapers, Bottles, Pacifiers, Rattles, Baby Food, and little Sippy Cups. She also loved the section with all the clothes for little girls. She felt envious every time she saw a poster of a little toddler modeling a new dress.   

“Molly would love this,” the voice of the lady rang in my ears focusing my attention to her. She held up what had to have been the most gorgeous dress I had ever seen! Pink with a smocked top, peter-pan collar, puffed sleeves, ruffle trimmed hem, and white lace with flowers peaking just below the hemline.

“I love it! It’s soooo pretty!” I screamed. But the words never made it to my mouth; instead only an impassionate nod was made hardly expressing my intense desire to have that dress. I was frozen, trapped, unable to do a thing. The lady put the dress back on the rack and I regained some control. I walked over and reached out to feel the dress. Then I picked it up, holding it close to myself trying to imagine what it would feel like. Looking up, I saw a mirror in the distance and in that mirror I could almost see myself wearing that dress. Again I stood frozen only this time admiring, imagining … wishing. I stood there for what seemed like ages, burning every detail into my memory.

“Come on now.”

The voice shattered my concentration. I quickly put the dress back on the rack, turned away, and walked back to the lady; the image of me in that dress racing through my mind.

Yes shopping at Wal-mart was Emily’s new favorite pass time. She even began to find excuses to visit the little girl’s clothing section. Shoes would suddenly become untied requiring a not-so-brief delay right in front of pretty dresses. A toy rubber ball would “accidently” bounce into the department ; necessitating moving through all the pretty dresses in order to find it. Visit after visit Emily would add something new to her list of ‘Things I Wish I Owned.’ At the same time she became more aware that something was different. She knew what she wanted to get but she didn’t dare ask for it. It was wrong for her to want such things. She could not understand why but these things were not meant for her. There is one instance she remembers when she found something that she thought would be ok.

“What about these jeans?” I asked the lady. I had found a pair I liked and brought them back to where she was trying to pick out a new formal button down shirt for me.

“Sure, sure…. Just go try them on to make sure they fit,” she replied never looking at me or my choice.

I rushed to try them on. They fit perfectly and were exactly the kind of thing I had wanted to buy. This will be fine, I said to myself. These are jeans and I can wear jeans. And sure enough, she bought them for me along with my new “Sunday” clothes, which I didn’t really care about.

First thing when we got home I rushed to my room and put on my jeans. I didn’t have a shirt I liked that would go with it so I just put on a white t-shirt. I really didn’t care. I was lost admiring myself and my new jeans in the mirror. They were jeans unlike any that I had ever had before.

“Are those your new jeans?” the lady asked walking into my room to put away my other new clothes. “I need to wash them before you…. honey let me see those.”

She came closer to me inspecting my attire.

“Do you like them?” I asked.

She began to snicker. I could tell she was trying not to but she couldn’t help it. “Honey, are those the jeans you got from the store today?”

I nodded looking down at my toes. “You said I could.”

“Yes but honey… look. See the pink flowers on the side of the leg? These jeans are for a girl.”

I couldn’t reply. Of course I had seen the pink flowers. That was what made them so pretty. That was why I had wanted these jeans. That was what I liked about them. They’re just jeans. Why does it matter who they're for? Boys wear jeans , girls wear jeans… why can’t I wear these jeans? A tear rolled down my cheek.

“Oh don’t you worry. It’s ok. I can take them back tomorrow and get you some new jeans you silly boy.”

Emily had found something she liked, a simple pair of jeans with some pink flowers, but even those were not meant for her. And now she would never get to wear them again. Yes, Emily was becoming more and more aware … she was different.

 :D